This is my second baby, so I’ve been through this all before. I’ve seen things I can’t un-see. But experience isn’t fool-proof. And it’s definitely not baby-proof.

Babies be stupid. Babies be fragile. Babies be trippin’! Baby-proofing won’t save you.

There are so many things that can go wrong when you have a baby in the house, the best thing you can do is try not to think about it too much. Anyway, here’s a list of some of them. Happy holidays!

I’ve totally been slacking on the baby-proofing.

It’s not just because I’m lazy, it’s also because all the stupid “baby-proofing” gear is a huge pain to install and also because all the baby-proofing in the world isn’t enough to prevent your baby from hurting himself. (It’s also because I’m lazy.)

Here’s a list of things baby-proofing won’t protect your baby from. Yay!

• Tripping: I said babies be trippin’, but as the “n'” should have made clear, that was purely metaphorical (and entirely accurate because babies truly do be trippin’!) But actual tripping is a real concern, for babies, definitely (The Hammer fell on his face the other day, but his nose is fine), but even more so for adults who are carrying babies. Especially if you have stairs in your house, in which case every bedtime becomes a potential horror movie. One false move and it’s terrortown.
• Falling Off the Bed: This is probably the most likely of all of these. It’s happened before and it will happen again, multiple times, including in Ireland when Detective Munch was nine months old. Time is a flat circle. Just pray your kid doesn’t end up saving the Goonies some day.
• Choking on Food: The Hammer has become a pretty enthusiastic eater, and just in time too, since he’s 11 months old and still fits his older brother’s three-to-six month clothing. But enthusiasm and competence are two different things, and he has yet to master swallowing. Every meal is terrifying. Especially since he loves to pull the “They haven’t looked at me in three seconds so Ima make a fake choking sound to get their attention” tactic, which is why we now have a defibrillator in the house.
• Donald Trump as President: Forget baby-proofing. We need country-proofing, if not world-proofing.
• Choking on Everything Besides Food: I said babies be stupid and that was not metaphorical. Babies be insanely stupid, and that’s never more obvious than it is when you watch them explore the world, by which I mean “put every single thing they find into their mouths.” This includes, paper, plastic, LEGO pieces, Magnatiles, dust, bottle caps, nails (almost happened!), poison probably (I have a lot of poison lying around), glass, power cords, shoes, coasters, cardboard, pine needles, Christmas ornaments, and on and on and on.
• Suffocating: KEEP EVERY SINGLE THING OUT OF THE CRIB UNTIL THE KID IS AT LEAST EIGHT YEARS OLD JUST TO BE SAFE.
• Kidnapping: I used to be terrified I would be kidnapped and I was/am nowhere near as good-looking as my kids. Just last week I saw a sketchy van prowling my neighborhood and I quickly ran inside! It was even more likely when I was a kid. But despite once being abducted by my parents and forced to see Working Girl, it never happened. (P.S. Working Girl is the truth. I will FIGHT YOU.)
• Improper Car-seat Strapping/Improper Baby-wearing: Incorrectly strapping your baby to things is like obscenity, no one can describe it but they know it when they see it! And when they see it they can’t stop talking about it, the perverts.
• Social Media Judgment: This is less dangerous for babies than it is for the future of babies. Because the rampant social media judgment is almost reason enough to not have kids. HOPE YOU ENJOY THE END OF HUMANITY YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS BUSYBODIES!
• SIDS: Actual proof that God is dead. I mean WTF is this nightmare?! NO ONE EVEN KNOWS. Phantom baby death = THE WORLD IS LITERAL SHIT.
• (Honorable mention: people who don’t vaccinate, siblings, stuff I don’t care about, allergies)

None of this is to say you shouldn’t do what you can and baby-proof your house as you see fit, but to paraphrase Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park, “Injuries find a way.” Especially when babies are involved. So don’t sweat it too much. (Unless you voted for Trump. Then you deserve everything you get.)