I love my kids, I just hate parenting
You may wonder why I haven’t posted anything lately. And you’re right to wonder. I mean, I’d better have a good reason for depriving you of the best entertainment on the web, right? Well, I do. Several good reasons, in fact.
See them after the jump…
If you’ve ever raised a baby, you know how the presence of an infant can transform your home into something like Arkham Asylum. It’s just constant chaos, noise, paranoia and catatonia, and I haven’t even mentioned the food and feces that litter the walls, floor and your clothes. But hey, it’s all worth it once they grow up to be ungrateful money grubbers who show you no respect!
Dealing with a baby is hard. Dealing with a crying, frantic, fussy baby is hell on earth. And even just a few weeks in, I’ve learned a few tricks for making life with a baby just a little more tolerable.
Listen up: it’s time to get educated.
I’ve been a proud papa for just under a week now and I’ve already learned a few things about babies. A few valuable things that I think might come in handy for those of you out there who are considering purchasing a new child. Trust me, dealing with an infant is no easy task, but with the insights I’ve gleaned – and will continue to glean as I mold my son into the Greatest Of All Time – I can help make things just a little bit easier for new parents.
Coming up after the jump, my top five insights into about babies and how they work. Here’s a quick tease to whet your appetite: Babies smell like Cheerios. Or feces. Depends on what time it is.
Also, as a bonus to my loyal readers, I’ve included a picture of my son at the bottom of the post!
The other day, my wife gently let me know that she was a little concerned with the language I used in my last post. That’s not an MP, I said. That’s a YP.
But then, the next day…
The doctor told us she loved the way my wife’s cervix looked. She used terms like effacement and dilated and etc. She says it should be any day now.
Let me repeat: It should be any day now that I will have a son. Yikes.
Does this change everything? Is it time for me to tone down my language, reconsider some of my actions in the face of becoming a father. Is what was just a few days ago purely a YP now an MP?
Is it time for Dad and Buried to grow up? Can I?
On the eve of my son’s birth, I’ve been thinking a lot about my parenting style, and which lessons I want to impart to my heir. Basically, WWCTD: What Would Coach Taylor Do?
There are a lot of horrible children out there, and most of the blame obviously lies with videogames and Marilyn Manson and Avatar-related depression. But some of it lies with their parents. I am not going to be one of those parents whose kid is a loser. My son is going to dominate. But he can’t do it on his own, so I’ve come up with a list of ten values that will serve as a guideline for him as he grows up.
To make sure he toes the line and doesn’t defy me, I’ve included a video counterpoint with each lesson on the list. That way, should he feel himself straying, he’ll be able to recognize the signs. Check out the list after the jump.