Category: Lists

How to Train Your Baby
10 May
Posted in Babies 10 comments

How to Train Your Baby

We leave for a trip in two days. With my baby. I don’t know why either.

My son is going to hit the eight-month mark while we’re on vacation in Ireland. I’m pretty nervous about my son’s first plane ride. Nervous and scared. Mostly that another passenger will get so pissed about my unruly child that he’ll yell at my wife and things will get physical. You know, valid concerns.

We’ve gotten some tips for flying with a baby, things like: try Benadryl, and bring a new toy to distract and confuse him with its newness, distribute pre-emptive goody bags, etc. And we may or may not try these. But there’s one thing we’ve been trying already – conditioning my son for what he’s about to experience, in order to make it easier on both him and ourselves.

I wrote a list about how to train your baby – for vacation and for life.

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Bonding with My Baby
15 Apr
Posted in Drinking 2 comments

Bonding with My Baby

Last weekend, Mom and Buried and I took our son to swim lessons.

Yes, he is learning how to swim at only 7 months old. Although “learning” is a bit misleading. More like DOMINATING.

At first it was a little weird to be bringing an infant into a public pool, especially when the woman in charge of the class made everyone start singing. Even MORE especially when I threw my son into the pool before realizing that’s not the best way to teach him how to swim.

At least now I know he’s not a witch.

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Teething With Anger
22 Feb
Posted in Lists 38 comments

Teething With Anger

Thankfully, he won’t remember teething.

He won’t remember shoving his fists in his mouth and chewing on his tiny fingers, just to get some relief. He won’t remember his parents’ frustration and exasperation as they attempted to diagnose and then treat what appeared to be a totally phantom issue (like so many of them are). He won’t even remember the blissful relief a few drops of Baby Orajel afforded him, but that probably has less to do with his unformed brain and more to do with the fact that Baby Orajel doesn’t do shit.

No, he won’t remember the days weeks months of pain that came with the slow emergence of his first teeth. But neither will Mom and Buried and I forget them anytime soon.

I can’t wait until he’s ready to lose his baby teeth in a few years, because at the first sign of a wiggle I am going to pull them out and grind them into dust!

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Old Age vs. Parenthood
10 Feb
Posted in Lists 34 comments

Old Age vs. Parenthood

Over the past five months my life has changed a lot, for obvious, baby-related reasons.

But over the past few years, my life has changed in other ways that have nothing to do with the ill-advised and soul-deadening decision to have a child. I’m talking about things that seem to have more to do with the fact that I am rapidly approaching my 35th birthday than the fact that I’ve added yet another mouth with its own carbon footprint to an overpopulated planet on the verge of extinction.

Problem is, with my life so wrapped up in making sure my baby lives long enough to contribute to and eventually witness the final days of the planet he will help destroy, it isn’t always easy to tell the difference between the changes that are his fault and the changes that are my rapidly deteriorating body’s fault.

So I decided to try and figure out what to blame: old age or parenthood?

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Matter of Perspective
21 Jan
Posted in Lists 940 comments

Matter of Perspective

My life has changed immeasurably since I had my first (only?) child in September. I’ve spent a fair amount of time detailing how I’ve had to make sacrifices, how my free time has dwindled, where my money goes, etc. But I knew all that was coming.

What I didn’t expect was to have the way I view the world altered as much as it’s been. I just don’t see things the same way as a father as I did when I was childless. For better and worse.

Click below and together we can take a look at how my outlook on things has (or hasn’t) changed!

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