I love my kids, I just hate parenting
You may wonder why I haven’t posted anything lately. And you’re right to wonder. I mean, I’d better have a good reason for depriving you of the best entertainment on the web, right? Well, I do. Several good reasons, in fact.
See them after the jump…
You owe it to yourself to humiliate your children.
When they’re older they’ll do it to themselves, whether they like it or not. It’s totally inevitable that at some point in their lives our children will be the focus of widespread ridicule as the result of some embarrassing miscue, whether it’s accidentally going into the girls’ bathroom or clumsily tripping on stage as they reach for their diploma or someone filming a video of them when they’re so drunk their attempts at speech sound like Chewbacca making love to the Hulk.
It’ll happen. Just as it’s happened to all of us. Until it does, it’s your job. And it must be done.
The other night, I went out to dinner with some coworkers. We had a lovely time – discussing company policy, getting to know our colleagues in other divisions, eating a fine Italian meal and sharing 15-25 bottles of expensive Italian wine. All on somebody else’s dime. It was a lot of fun.
I ended up getting home at about 1am, pretty decently smashed, and crawled into bed beside my wife.
Read more about The Hang(NEVER)Over …
Last week, I educated all of you on how to go about taking care of a newborn. I haven’t gotten the Baby Straight Jacket on the market yet, but I can already tell some of you are skeptical. A straight jacket for babies? Surely I must be joking!
I assure you I am deadly serious. Ask yourself this question: are babies all that different from psychopaths?
Keep reading for the shocking answer!
Read more about Insane or Infant? …
If you’ve ever raised a baby, you know how the presence of an infant can transform your home into something like Arkham Asylum. It’s just constant chaos, noise, paranoia and catatonia, and I haven’t even mentioned the food and feces that litter the walls, floor and your clothes. But hey, it’s all worth it once they grow up to be ungrateful money grubbers who show you no respect!
Dealing with a baby is hard. Dealing with a crying, frantic, fussy baby is hell on earth. And even just a few weeks in, I’ve learned a few tricks for making life with a baby just a little more tolerable.