I love my kids, I just hate parenting
Everyone is always talking about how having kids changes your perspective on things.
They say that when you experience life through the eyes of your innocent children, you appreciate the little things so much more. And I suppose it’s true.
But kids change everything in your life, not merely the way you look at it.
Have you ever been curious about what I was like before I had kids? Or what I thought about kids when I was single and carefree? Well today is your lucky day!
Like most of you, I had a bit of a different take on kids and parents and parenting before I became a parent – I was not yet a part of the collective – and perhaps nothing I wrote encapsulates that different take better than this piece.
When we first got The Hammer home, we marveled at how quiet he was. That was a fun half hour!
Turns out he’s actually loud, especially when he hits the so-called “witching hour,” which is the technical term for that specific period of the day when your baby really wants you to know he’s pissed about this whole “not in the womb” thing and he blames YOU.
My five-year-old is more of a whiner, but really, what’s the difference? It’s all a bunch of high-pitched squealing. Even Mom and Buried is a little emotional lately, which is understandable. Her hormones must be going crazy, just a few weeks after giving birth and also with all the catching-up-on-drinking she’s gotta do!
Lately, I’m just surrounded by criers. So I decided to have some fun with it.
More power to our kids, but nothing makes a person hate snow more than being an adult. There are only so many times you can take your kids sledding and ice skating and snowman-building, especially when you have things to do!
No matter how outdoorsy you are, in the winter you’re sure to be spending more and more time indoors with a collection of five-hour-energy side-effects in tiny human form, slowly but surely exhausting every single entertainment option available in an effort to keep the kids occupied. And keep yourself from turning into Jack Nicholson in The Shining. It’s not easy.
And it’s only going to get worse for me, now that I have a newborn too.
This isn’t about dangerous toys. I honestly wouldn’t even know where to begin such a list. When I was a kid, if you wore a bike helmet you were King Dork of Nerd Mountain. Nowadays, you need a helmet just to ride the school bus or you’ll end up suing the NFL.
The standards for safety have changed so drastically that I’ve pretty much stopped giving my kid anything that has corners. (I’m not even joking: my son has never had a Saltine. NOTHING BUT RITZ.)
Instead, this list is about the worst gifts for kids. Not all kids, like I said, I can’t speak to that. These are the worst gifts to buy your own children.