06 Jan

Dad and Buried Posted in Blogging 9 comments

I Don’t Want to Hate My Son

I’ll say it again: I don’t hate my son.

I get frustrated with my kid and he pisses me off and he acts like an asshole (it’s in his genes) and I’m not afraid to say so (to everyone other than him), but I don’t actually hate him. If I did hate him, I certainly wouldn’t write about it, even in character. Which is the problem.

I enjoy playing “Dad and Buried”, exaggeratedly mocking my son and bitching about being a parent, even though I actually love my son, and I love being his dad. Except since he turned four, I haven’t been loving either of those things very much.

And it’s cramping Dad and Buried’s style.

05 Jan

Dad and Buried Posted in Blogging 2 comments

My Top Ten Posts of 2014

If you follow my Facebook page, this might be a bit redundant for you. But after two weeks of drinking and eating and drinking and drinking, I barely have the energy to keep my eyes open, let alone write a new post. So I’m milking this “year in review” thing one more time.

2014 was a good year for Dad and Buried. I moved back to Brooklyn after 18 lackluster months below the Mason-Dixon line (they do things differently down there), got a few sponsorship opportunities with which I annoyed half my readers, and increased my exposure by infuriating people who read the Huffington Post.

So to ease myself back into the swing of things, I’m kicking off 2014 with a list of my ten most popular blog posts of 2014.

19 Dec

Dad and Buried Posted in discipline 6 comments

What Parents Want for Christmas

Growing up, when I asked my parents what they wanted for Christmas, they always made a (sad) joke out of it. They knew my brothers and I didn’t have any money, so they didn’t bother asking for anything real, like a new car, or a box of Cuban cigars, or a new furniture set.

Instead, they used Santa the way someone might use a genie: by asking my brothers and me for things that were abstract, theoretical, and totally unattainable. Just to make a point. They’d make requests like, “for you and your brothers to get along” or “a little peace and quiet” or “for you to behave.” Just totally insane shit that would never happen in a million years.

Now that I’m a dad, nobody ever asks me what I want. But if they did? I’d reply exactly the same way as my mom and dad. Because I was wrong; they weren’t joking.

The intangible, imaginary stuff really is what parents want for Christmas.

17 Dec

Dad and Buried Posted in discipline No comments

[E-Card] Parenting Euphemisms

Sometimes we parents have to lie to our kids.

To put it another way, if it makes you feel better: sometimes we have to use “parenting euphemisms.”

Like these…

15 Dec

Dad and Buried Posted in Advice 6 comments

How to Act Like a Child at Work

Children are little terminators.

To quote Kyle Reese, “They can’t be bargained with. They can’t be reasoned with. They don’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And they absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.” The only difference between my son and Arnold Schwarzenegger in that movie is that my son’s speech is more intelligible. And that Arnold loses. My son never loses.

His commitment to being irrational is so absolute, it’s like living with Andy Kaufman. I honestly can’t tell where the act ends and the real person begins. Or if there even is an act. Or a real person. I’ve never been so uncertain of how to deal with someone in my life.

Which is why I might start acting like a child at work.

Dad and Buried

Tag: terrible twos

I Don’t Want to Hate My Son

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My Top Ten Posts of 2014

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What Parents Want for Christmas

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[E-Card] Parenting Euphemisms

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How to Act Like a Child at Work

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