When I was a kid, my biggest fear was being kidnapped. I mean, who wouldn’t want this little heartthrob cooling up their house?
As I grew up and that terrifying two-part episode of Diff’rent Strokes faded from my memory, the whole kidnapping fear evaporated. Other anxieties emerged and receded through the years until I became quite fearless… provided I’d had ten beers and you agreed to no punches to the face or groin.
Then I had a kid. And I became fearmore.
Like a lot of people, Mom and Buried has been freaking out about the whole North Korea situation lately, but not because she is worried for herself. She’s worried for our son.
One of the many negative side effects of having a child is how you suddenly become aware of innumerable threats. It’s like smoking really strong weed except instead of getting high and laughing, you just get ultra-paranoid.
Suddenly, stuff I’d never worried about, or had long since stopped worrying about, was causing me anxiety. And not just because I recently re-watched “Twin Peaks” (Bob is the scariest fictional character of all time).
Here is a (far-from-complete) list of stuff that – now that I have a child’s welfare and future to consider – has been harshing my buzz lately:
- Peanut butter
- North Korea
- The Shakeheads in Jacob’s Ladder
- Penn State
- Peer Pressure
- Accidental Racism
- Chat Roulette
- Global Warming
- “The Heights”
- Gay People Getting Married
- The Bear Proposing (?) in The Shining
- Courtney Cox’s Face
- Jillian Michaels
- Video games
- Rick Santorum
- Dogs with Bees in Their Mouths so When They Bark They Shoot Bees at You