I am the hardest working dad in the world. (Granted, I’m only a dad, so it’s a low bar, but my gender is not my fault. It’s GOD’s fault!)
You’re probably wondering what makes me, Dad and Buried, the hardest working dad in the world. Well, for starters, I have a ten-week-old baby and a five-year-old son and both of them are still alive!
HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?
Everyone knows dads have it easy.
Compared to moms, our role as parents is a piece of cake. We don’t carry the baby, we don’t birth the baby, we don’t breastfeed the baby. We don’t change diapers, we don’t get up in the middle of the night to feed or soothe, we barely even know our kids’ names! Until the little whippersnappers can walk and talk, we dads are totally useless. Plus, once they get there, we’re little more than bread earners and bad cops.
Dads hardly do anything!
This is why the media celebrates superheroes like Ryan Reynolds. He changes diapers, he wears his baby, he probably even talks to the little blob; the dude straight brings it. I bet he was even in the delivery room when his wife gave birth! He’s a true pioneer.
The rest of us? Total garbage. Well, the rest of you are garbage. I’m actually a legend in the dad world, because, like Ryan Reynolds, I’m a dad who actually does mom stuff! (And I’m movie-star handsome!)
That’s right, I change diapers. I burp the baby. I get up in the middle of the night to feed him while my lazy-ass wife sleeps through until the next feeding like two hours later (which I guess is still technically the middle of the night but she’s a woman it’s hard-wired into her DNA to be a mom unlike men because the only thing hardwired into my DNA are SPORTS and BACON!) I even babysit despite the fact that dads don’t babysit (or do they?). Yes, I’m that incredible.
Need more proof that I’m the hardest working dad in the world?
This morning, I woke up and fed the baby at 3AM. That’s SMACKDAB in the middle of the night, son! And that’s not all! I changed him, I burped him, I laid him back down in his crib and then I helped hold his binky in his mouth until he fell asleep. And a few hours later I woke up and fed and clothed and walked my five-year-old to the bus stop and I only raised my voice thirteen times and we made it to the bus on time. ON TIME! Then I took the subway into Manhattan (I call it “The Hat”) and went to the gym BEFORE WORK and then I went to work and actually worked!
You’re probably thinking, “Wow, he did all that for his kids AND went to the gym AND brought home the bacon AND he’s objectively better looking than Ryan Reynolds? I want to have sex with him! Except after all that hard work, he probably smells.”
WRONG AGAIN, ZOD!
I don’t smell, unless you mean I #smellegendary, because despite my insane workload as a father who does mom stuff and a man who does man stuff, I use Odor Blocker, Old Spice’s most powerful invisible solid anti-perspirant/deodorant. How powerful? Check out this typically wacko, funny commercial:
I know what you’re thinking: Shill! Shill! WRONG AGAIN AGAIN, ZOD!
I’m actually a dedicated, longtime user of Old Spice deodorant, mostly because my grandfather left me some in his will but who cares because I’m brand-loyal! Plus, when the people at Old Spice caught wind (pun!) of my performance, they took back the deodorant they had given to Ryan Reynolds and sent it to me. Because while Deadpool may do mom stuff too, he only has one kid! Sorry, Ryan, but YOU LOSE. In both the most good-looking contest AND the hardest working dad contest!
Look, it’s clear to everyone involved and plenty of innocent bystanders that I am CRUSHING this parenting thing, and now I have deodorant from Old Spice’s Hardest Working Collection to prove it. You think just anybody can go online and use this coupon to buy some? Feel free to go ahead and try that link, but I’m pretty sure you can’t. Only I can, because I am the hardest working dad in the world!
If that only places me in the bottom 10% of hard-working moms, well, at least I smell terrific. Sorry. I #smellegendary.
Disclosure: If you haven’t figured it out yet, I have partnered with Life of Dad and Old Spice for this promotion. Old Spice is so confident in the Hardest Working Collection, the product is backed with a money-back guarantee! If guys use the Hardest Working Collection and the products do not live up to their standards, they can call 1-800-PROVE-IT for a full refund.