You may have noticed that I don’t blog as much these days. I have a lot going on, between my day job, my side jobs, my podcast, my social media empire, this quarantine, etc. I feel like I’m forgetting something… oh right, my wife has been self-isolating with COVID-19 symptoms for going on three weeks so my kids and I are stuck at home fending for ourselves.
I’m busy. Get off me!
Finding time to write isn’t always easy, but sometimes something comes along and I simply can’t resist putting together a response. That something happened today, when I stumbled upon an article on PopSugar titled: I’m a Homeschool Mom Who’s Been Doing It a While — Here Are My Top 10 Tips
Let’s get into it.
It’s a list of course, and it’s one of those obnoxious-as-hell slideshow lists where instead of putting everything on one page, they force you to click all ten images so they can up their stats and you can get angry at how slowly it loads and then abandon the entire article on slide 4 because I already told you I’M BUSY, JERK!
In the time-honored tradition of previous articles in this vein, I’m going to share their list with my commentary added. Enjoy!
- Be Informed of Your State’s Education Laws – Laws? It’s fucking Thunderdome out there: There are no laws. Sure, there’s remote classroom and all that, but between the stress everyone is under – including the incredible teachers who deserve a raise and ALL THE BOOZE – and the complete and utter lack of sanity left from being stuck inside with each other for three weeks, things aren’t exactly running like clockwork. I’m lucky I still know how to read!
- Don’t Try to Do It All – It’s 3:45 and me and my kids are still in our pajamas, dinner has been frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for 20 straight days, and I’m lucky if I shower more than once a week. It’s safe to say that we haven’t quite gotten to my 9yo’s art project, or begun crafting the elaborate science experiment his teacher told us about via video chat last Monday because are you effing kidding me?! Not only am I not trying to do it all, I’m barely accomplishing anything.
- Make a Checklist of a Schedule – My wife, God bless her, made one of these right before she went into self-isolation. It’s thorough, prominently placed, and I haven’t looked at it once.
- Ease Into the School Day – Day? What’s a day? Are there days anymore? The calendar is meaningless, I removed all clocks, it’s like Vegas in here, minus the cigarettes. So far.
- Don’t Expect it to Look Like Traditional School – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
- 2 to 4 Hours Each Day is All You Need – Oh thank god. Wait. Did you say HOURS?!
- Set Boundaries – Does anyone have one of those invisible fences I can borrow to put around my kids’ bedroom? I need a goddamn minute to myself!
- Remember That Kids Don’t Need a Classroom to Learn – I can barely remember my own name, but sure, fine. My kids are learning all sorts of stuff, like the importance of hygiene (when Daddy doesn’t shower for four days) and nutrition (yes, stomach aches are normal when all you eat are Oreos and mac and cheese for two straight weeks) and improving their vocabularies (so many exciting new swear words being used in their proper context) while simultaneously discovering how frustrating technology can be. We’re crushing this one.
- Take Breaks When You Need Them – My kids and I are fending for ourselves, stuck inside with each other while my wife self-isolates her way through three weeks of Coronavirus symptoms. If you even mention the word “break” to me, I will literally kill you.
- When You Feel Defeated, Remember This: You’re Not Going to Make Your Kid Dumber – Yesterday, after 480 straight hours of video games, my 9-year-old asked me if we’re ever going to have a third kid. So I beg to differ.