Bad Dads Make Bad Husbands

Bad Dads Make Bad Husbands

The other day, I was left home alone with my two kids. For a few hours I tasted the life of a single parent.

It didn’t work out.

As soon as my wife walked in the door, I put down the baby and picked up the bourbon. I won’t lie: I was drinking to forget — to forget the stress, the scrambling, and the screaming. I had spent a few measly hours managing my kids all by myself, and it was enough to rededicate me to my marriage for another 10 years.

At least.

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The Birthday Party Nightmare

The Birthday Party Nightmare

I guess I’m a party pooper. My son turned five in September, and as usual, my wife threw him an elaborate and expensive birthday party, complete with a theme, of course. Now that we have another kid to celebrate, the birthday party nightmare is only going to get worse.

When Detective Munch turned one, it was a circus theme. For two, it was Yo Gabba Gabba! At three, it was all about trains, and at four, he and his friends got capes and dressed as superheroes. This time around, it was a pirate-themed affair, complete with invitations that looked like—and were actually burned at the edges to look like—old treasure maps, a corresponding treasure hunt, and plastic swords and eye-patches for all the scurvy little dogs to take home and subsequently use to terrorize their parents.

It was fun. My son had fun, his friends had fun, everyone had fun. Even the adults! (We provided beer and mimosas because WE’RE NOT MONSTERS.) That doesn’t mean I want to do it again.

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Things Only Kids Can Say

Things Only Kids Can Say

Kids say the darndest things. They also say the ballsiest things. Things only kids can say.

If I went around talking to my wife, my boss, my friends, anyone the way that my son often talks to his mother, to me, to his friends, strangers on the subway? I’d be divorced, fired, and drinking totally alone. Which might not be that bad, now that I think about it…

Children get away with a lot of stuff, especially in the early years.

For example…

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Problematic Childhood Misconceptions

Problematic Childhood Misconceptions

Kids are gullible. And stupid. And loud. And annoying. And lazy. And way too energetic…

Sorry, lost my train of thought for a second.

The point is, kids will believe anything. Believe me, I know; I’ve tested this. Extensively. And I will continue to test it, both to keep verifying my findings like a proper scientist and because lying to children is so damn entertaining!

At least for a while…

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