At what point do I shove a toothbrush down my son’s throat?

The dude is HUGE.

Let me level-set a bit: I’m not talking Maury Povich huge; I live above the Mason-Dixon line, people. But he’s got rolls. At 9 months-old he’s got rolls! My friends jokingly say he must have something stuffed in those huge cheeks of his but it’s not a joke to me: I am COMPLETELY CONVINCED he has something in there. It’s the only explanation. It’s not like we’re feeding him french fries and milkshakes.

But he looks like that guy from Big Trouble in Little China. And I don’t mean Kim Cattrall. Something must be done!

Obviously I am not going to make the kid throw-up to stop gaining weight. As any parent knows, just the idea that I have to “make” my baby throw-up is absurd. When it comes to vomiting, he’s a maestro, and a sneak-attack artist. Big vomit, spray vomit, excited vomit, vomit after bouncing, vomit while sitting, vomit while doing absolutely nothing, he’s mastered them all. Now when it comes to baby vomit, many people prefer to use the term “spit-up”, but after it’s landed all over his clothes, my clothes, my couch and the floor, I’m in no mood to sugarcoat. The kid puked, period. And again.

I don’t know of any official Baby Weight Loss plans, but I’m sure they exist. There’s no way Suri Cruise wasn’t/isn’t on one; girlfriend looks GOOD! But I’m not looking for anything high falutin’, I just need the boy to slow down with the Hulk thighs; we’re running out of pants!

I’ve heard people say that once he starts crawling he’ll burn off some of the fat. What’s he gonna do, start crawling a marathon? Please. An intense workout for him is two knee shuffles and an arm prop. The most energy I’ve seen him expend is when he’s screaming like a banshee or grinding his three puny teeth (yes, he grinds his teeth; dude is STRESSED). But while it’s unlikely he’s going to start burning fat by working his limited physical capabilities, I have discovered one way to get him to work up a sweat. And I’m not just referring to keeping the A/C off in his bedroom.

Anytime my iPhone or BlackBerry is anywhere within sight, my son will pull himself over broken glass (I’m assuming here, haven’t tried this yet) to get his hands on them. I have no idea how he differentiates my iPhone from my BlackBerry – because he obviously prefers the iPhone – or even how he differentiates my BlackBerry from a stuffed animal or a salt shaker, but he knows. He knows what items are expensive and fragile and he wants to touch them. He wants to touch them right now. And then, like everything else, he wants to eat them.

I guess that’s my best bet. I’ll just dangle my gadgets in front of my son and force him to find his way towards them. Then, once he makes it, I’ll even let him chew for a bit.

At least there are no calories!