Progress! Two people asked for my advice this week.

Why?

BECAUSE I SAVE LIVES.

(Submit your own questions, at your own risk, here.)

Dear Dad and Buried,

Hi! Can you tell me if there’s a quick and easy way to START enjoying time with your child if you don’t enjoy said time currently? Asking for a friend.

– Kendra

Kendra,

I’m sorry to hear that you hate your child, though to be honest I’m not surprised. Wait, that was rude. I’m sorry to hear that “your friend” hates her child. That’s unfortunate for you, to have to associate yourself with your friend and her hateful child. Unfortunately there’s not much I can do to help you…r friend enjoy time with her punky little brat, unless we loosen the definition of “time with.” I would suggest spending some time “with” the kid while he’s asleep, perhaps with a bottle of wine or a good book. That way you can have some fun without worrying about actual interaction! Soon enough, you’ll trick your mind into believing that it’s spending time with-slash-near your well-behaved, charmingly unconscious offspring that is enjoyable, rather than the buzz you’re tying on while chuckling through Bossypants.

Once you have conditioned yourself to not cringe at the prospect of being around your kid, the next step must be taken. You actually have to help the child cultivate a good personality. While it won’t be quick and easy, it’s part of your job as a parent. The same way a mother bird teaches her kids to fly (I assume), you need to equip your kids to survive in the real world, and personality and behavior are things that can be taugh, at least on some level. So teach him how to be patient and courteous and friendly. Brainwash him into liking the music you like, the TV shows you like, the booze you like (kids seem to love flavored vodkas) so at the very least you can tolerate his company. The fact is, if you don’t like hanging out with your kids, odds are they either have terrible personalities or you do. If it’s the former, teach. If it’s the latter, drink. Because if you’re anything like me, you’re a lot cooler with a buzz on.

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

Dear Dad and Buried,

Divorced Dad trying to get back into dating here. Guessing your advice is gonna suck 😉 but have at it anyway! It’s the most confusing thing I have ever done in my life – the divorced dad dating… Like a blind man at a urinal, I’m going to have to feel my way around.

– Andrew

Andrew,

I’m cheating a bit here, because I have no idea if you’re actually asking me a question. That email may have been a statement. But I’m giving this a go anyway, and taking the chance that you are asking for my advice on how a blind person should urinate.

I’m not blind, Andrew, but like everyone else who went to elementary school, I have accumulated a lot of knowledge about Helen Keller. Unfortunately, all I remember are the jokes. But I do know that all the people God punished with blindness were compensated with other special attributes, such as an extra-large penis. So even if your blind friend can’t hit the urinal every time, he’ll still be the envy of everyone else in the bathroom. And he shouldn’t have much trouble finding dates, blind or not.

As for non-blind, poorly-hung divorced dads trying to date, I think I’d just be up front with the women you’re wooing. You’ve got nothing to lose (you’re already desperate and alone), and too many people are divorced these days for it to be much of a stigma anymore. Besides, since children are the leading cause of divorce (despite our assurances otherwise), I’m sure there are a lot of women out there in the same boat. You can spend your first few dates bitching about your terrible children! So go forth. Just remember, if you’re really struggling to find a date, do NOT go on www.ChatRoulette.com. That will make you wish you were blind.

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

FOLLOW-UP:

I need to apologize to Kendra, above. I may have given her the impression that it is the parents’ fault for not enjoying their child’s company. But as I’ve been writing this, my son has been crying and screaming in the background, acting like the fact that I’ve been ignoring him for two hours is some kind of problem. But I realize now that that’s not true; his constant, irritating whining is the problem. HE is the problem. And ff he’s not careful, he’s going to cause a divorce. Just ask Andrew; he knows what I’m talking about. So take heart: it’s (probably) not your fault. Unless it is. I can’t really be sure from your one sentence email. Good luck!

Please direct all questions, comments, hate mail, death threats and accolades to the Parental Advisories page, to ensure that I receive them and can respond accordingly. Jerkweed!