First things first:

I am NOT advocating for a society in which our toddlers run around buck-naked all the time. That’s insane.

But I do have some ideas about children’s dress codes.

My kid is growing fast. I don’t know about yours, except I do: all kids grow fast.

Note that I did not say he is growing up fast. I’m not talking about how time flies when you’re having fun, because god knows parenting a two-year-old isn’t a shitload of fun. I’m talking about how quickly my kid has gone from baby clothes to 2T to 3T to hipster t-shirts to Cosby sweaters to those BluBlocker sunglasses senior citizens wear. The kid’s body is changing so fast that the clothes that fit him this morning now look like something Miley Cyrus would wear at the VMAs.

These growth spurts are murdering my wallet. More accurately, they’re murdering my wife’s pocketbook (I don’t do clothes shopping). Toddlers grow so fast that buying them clothes is almost pointless. Everything they own is obsolete within weeks.

That’s why I’m starting a movement: STOP BUYING CLOTHES FOR TODDLERS.

Again, I’m not promoting naked children. I’m having a hard enough time getting used to the sight of my little streaker tearing around the house in his birthday suit. It’s like I’m in the gym locker room but instead of all the old men flaunting their… oldness, it’s a two-year-old running around naked like he’s tripping at Burning Man. The thought of hundreds of naked kids roaming the streets haunts my dreams. No, I don’t actually have dreams about naked kids. This is getting weird.

I’m talking about instituting a dress code. Nothing fancy, because even uniforms can be outgrown and fancy shit costs. (Believe me, I know; I’m married to a woman.) My idea of a dress code is burlap sacks or barrels. Something crazy low-maintenance like that. Think about it: if every preschool and daycare center and kindergarten (it would have to end at first grade; I’m not totally insane!) implemented a potato-sack dress code, it’s basically one size fits all for five years. Think of the savings!

Instead of shelling out for shirts and pants and shorts and shoes (I mean the amount of shoes these kids need, come on!) for kids who more often than not treat every outfit like a Hulkamania shirt and/or a napkin, we can save our money and put it towards beer and wine and liquor and nice dinners and babysitters and long weekends away without the kids their college fund.

Having attended a Catholic high school in a blazer and tie for four years, I’m not a big fan of school dress codes. As a parent, they make school shopping and getting ready in the AM a lot easier, but the adolescent and teen years are when kids begin to develop their individuality and start expressing their personalities, and what they choose to wear is a big part of that. But toddlers? The only individuality they’re expressing is their parents’, and everyone already knows I like The Clash.

So who’s with me? The only way this movement works is if you support it. I can’t be the only guy sending his kid to school in rags — we all have to send our kids to school in rags!

Again: THINK OF THE SAVINGS!

Why are you calling the police? I specifically said “no nudity!”