Advice isn’t hard. All you have to do is put yourself in someone else’s shoes and then pretend you are smarter than them.

Parents do it CONSTANTLY. It’s one of the reasons everyone hates us.

Which brings us to the latest installment of Dad and Buried’s Terrible Parenting Advice. So long as you follow it or do the EXACT OPPOSITE, things should work out just fine for you and your family.

But don’t quote me on that.

Dear Dad and Buried,

What do you do when your kid WILL NOT keep his clothes and diaper on, & then pees on the floor on purpose??

– Emily

Dear Emily,

This is a tough one, but I’ve had some experience with it (during college). I might suggest foregoing the diaper completely and dressing the child in regular underwear. Wet underwear is no fun and sometimes letting your little John Belushi deal with some unpleasant consequences of his actions can do the trick. Of course, if the kid manages to yank the regular underwear off too, maybe try a belt? Or suspenders? Or duct tape? Anything that would make it harder for him to get the clothes off.

Short of that… if you can’t beat him, join him? But I think the suspenders idea is best. A baby in suspenders? Think of the hilarity!

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,

– Dad and Buried

Dear Dad and Buried,

Any advice on how to get my 16 month old into his car seat without him screaming and contorting his body so much that I’m worried I’m going to break something? Bribing stopped working a while ago.

– Katie

Dear Katie,

I wouldn’t worry about anything breaking. Toddlers are essentially plastic men. They’re like those Stretch Armstrong dolls. I swear I’ve seen my son melt down and slide under the bathroom door just to make sure I wasn’t doing anything fun and leaving him out of it. (Spoiler alert: WHAT I WAS DOING WAS NOT FUN.) When my kid refuses to get into or, inexplicably, out of his car seat, I usually just wait. Sometimes I pretend I’m leaving him in there and taking off without him. Maybe once or twice I actually did leave without him but I’ll take the fifth on that one because it’s still pending litigation. The good thing about all that physical exertion is that he’ll eventually tire himself out and have to take a nap, which is what I repeat to myself over and over every time he throws a tantrum and then when he finally passes out I start binge drinking.

The final option might be to get him a straightjacket. I mean, toddlers are already walking lobotomies, might as well go full McMurphy.

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,

– Dad and Buried

Dear Dad and Buried,

I need help getting my 7yr old out of her “accident” phase. She pulls out the accident card like a guilty person would pull out the pleading the fifth card with a prosecutor. I honestly believe that she thinks if she says it’s an accident, that I’ll believe her and not punish her. I realize that children will tell little white lies it’s part of their process of learning right and wrong, but, at what point is enough, enough? I’m waiting for the men with the straight jacket to come for me, because she’s not understanding the consequences of her actions, no matter how many times I punish her.(I’ve tried different methods, consistently)I’ve also tried positive reinforcement for when she’s been good.

– Collette

Dear Collette,

Hmmm, a seven-year-old that’s an asshole? STOP THE PRESSES! (Actually, I don’t know any seven-year-olds, but if they’re anything like kids at every other age, I’m confident I’m not too off the mark.) Have you considered the possibility that your child may simply be a tremendous klutz? Regardless, she needs to understand that even when accidents happen, someone has to take some responsibility for them, and you’re sure as hell not going to do it you’re a grown woman! But with that many accidents happening, it sounds like your insurance is going to go through the roof. So you should take a cue from Geico or Progressive or State Farm or All State or All Farm or State State and raise her premiums. For every accident she claims, take away a privilege or a toy. Multiple offenses yield bigger penalties. And weeks of “accident-free driving” can restore her good standing. It’s a clever way to teach her that accidents have consequences too, and what’s more fun for a child than learning about the world of insurance?

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,

– Dad and Buried

Dear Dad and Buried,

My 3 yr old daughter does not ever want to take off her “im a pretty,pretty princess and have to wear this ALL DAY EVERYDAY” nightgown, trying to get her dressed and out of nightgown makes me want to rip out my hair and gouge out my eyes! Ive tried yelling “If you don’t take it off and get dressed I am going to cut it up and burn it in front of you!” But even that doesn’t work, she simply says, “I will NEVER, EVER, EVER take it off, I am a princess and i NEEEED it!” While pointing her finger at me.

– Shoot Me Now

Dear Shoot Me Now,

Have you tried bowing? I’m afraid I’m not going to be much help with the princess problem because I’m pretty sure if I had a daughter I would worship her like royalty…until she started to reek because she wouldn’t change her clothes and now I am understanding the issue. How about, instead of threatening to destroy her gown, you tell her you need to wash it and clean it and fix it up so it’s worthy of her stature as a pretty pretty princess? Tell her that real princesses don’t cavort around in filthy rags and that she’s an embarrassment to royals around the globe. Or not. Maybe just show your daughter some pictures of Kate Middleton – who is as close to a real life princess as there is – and explain how princesses can look beautiful and fashionable and “pretty pretty” even in more practical every day clothes?

If that doesn’t work, wait til she’s asleep and cut it up and burn it.

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,

– Dad and Buried

That’s all for this installment, but thanks to all the questions I got from the many terrible, terrible parents out there, I’ll be back soon with more potentially dangerous and totally irresponsible advice!

So remember, if you’re at the end of your rope and are willing to try anything, you can submit your questions here.