Parents are some of the most creative people in the world. And also the most insane. Don’t take my word for it, just take a look at the popular new baby names. Or check out Huffington Post’s list of 2014’s hottest new parenting trends.
I get it. Once you become a parent you enter a whole new subculture, with new friends, a new lifestyle, and brand-spanking new priorities. It’s overwhelming and exciting and boring and inspiring! And what better target for a parent’s creativity than their own children?
The Huffington Post may have a line on this year’s latest fads, but I’m doing them one better. I’m predicting 2015‘s new trends! Why? Because I’m a goddamn lunatic! And so are you if you don’t hop on this bandwagon asap.
Next Year’s Hot Parenting Trends
- Baby-Hair Earplugs
Feeling sentimental about your baby’s first haircut but just don’t have any more room for scrapbooks? Have no fear! With this multi-purpose solution, you can hang onto the last vestiges of your child’s beautiful infancy AND escape the hellscape that is your offspring’s migraine-inducing toddler-hood by fashioning their newly-sheared locks into earplugs and stuffing those soft golden curls deep into your eardrums. Finding a use for such precious keepsakes will alleviate your guilt at ignoring the unbearable tantrum-demon he has become, and they’re 100% eco-friendly! - Belly-button Augmentation
One of the primary reasons dads are considered inferior to moms in the parenting department is our lack of biological connection with our offspring. Sorry, papa, but there’s just no getting around the fact that our kids didn’t gestate inside of us. But that’s no reason we fathers can’t experience a physical symbiosis, even if it’s just simulated. That’s why I’ve taken my son’s umbilical cord – the very cord I clipped in my symbolic first act as a parent! – and reattached it to my own belly button. Look, honey, my body has been ravaged by childbirth too! I’m just glad we didn’t have twins! - Sci-Fi Names
It’s time we stopped purposely misspelling baby names to get the unique appellations we desire. It’s also time we stopped mining tween-bait pop culture for names that will only embarrass our children later in life. No, get ahead of the curve and pull tomorrow’s out-of-this-world names from yesterday’s intergalactic science-fiction! 1950’s Hollywood’s era of nuclear paranoia is ripe for the picking. Gog! Tobor the Great! The Blob! Monster Snowman! Leave names like Bella and Euneek behind and be truly unique by naming your newborn son after the title character from The Beast with a Million Eyes! - Appe-diapers
Let’s face it, eating placenta isn’t for everyone (i.e., vegans and normal people). But don’t be left out of the borderline cannibalism that only the most dedicated and loving parents partake in! “Appe-diapers”, or “hors d’iapers”, are gluten-free, dairy-free, carb-free and loaded with your child’s mineral-rich waste. Convenient and nutritious, the hottest new Moms’ Night Out (or Dads’ Night In!) party food makes for easy snacking, allowing you to ingest a piece of your child and absorb his youth and purity without leaving bite marks on his or her flesh. Plus, the easy wetness indicator lets you knows as soon as it’s ready! (Available in vegan and non-vegan, depending on what your child had for dinner last night.) - Ignoring is Bliss
I’m writing this post while my 3yo tugs my leg and cries desperately for the attention I refuse to give him. How am I doing that, do you ask? For one thing, I’m wearing my baby-hair earplugs. Why am I doing it? I’m practicing “Ignoring is Bliss”, the groundbreaking new parenting technique that teaches your child independence and self-esteem by completely and utterly ignoring them. Like the offspring of the sea turtle who lays its eggs on the beach and immediately retreats into the water and gets on with her life, unencumbered and free, most ignored children don’t survive. But if they do, they’ll want nothing to do with you. Not only will they be self-sufficient, you’ll get your life back too! It’s so easy, and so effective, you’ll forget you even have a kid. But don’t feel bad, that’s the whole point!
Have you noticed any awesome/ridiculous/insane/hilarious parenting trends? Share them in the comments!
