April Fools’ Day is idiotic.

For one thing, most people – in desperate attempts to join in but without the wherewithal or imagination to do something elaborate enough to be deemed an actual prank – just end up lying instead, which isn’t exactly an April 1st phenomenon. After all, you don’t need to prep for that, or wait for the perfect date; all you need to tell a lie is a functioning mouth and low morals!

Besides, actually formalizing and setting aside a day for pranking people defeats the entire purpose; even the least skeptical person on earth cloaks themselves in disbelief on April 1st, preferring to play it safe than be played for a fool.

These days, about the only people you can get away with fooling on April Fools’ Day are little kids. And I happen to have one of those, so let’s get on with it.

Again, I don’t play pranks, because pranks require forethought and planning, and you know how I feel about that kind of thing. But I do enjoy lying to and psychologically terrorizing my son.

So on April Fools’ Day, I just kick those lies up a notch. And now you can too!

I’ve put together a list of high-larious lies, in case you want to victimize your small children who have no idea what day it is and believe everything their parents tell them. It’s gonna be a laugh riot! (Tell these lies at your own risk.)

Hilarious April Fools Day Lies to Tell Your Kids

• You’re allergic to vegetables! PSYCH! You’re actually allergic to candy so now you’ll get extra vegetables! DOUBLE WHAMMY!
• Good news: you’re a golf prodigy! Start practicing. *whip-crack!*
• Santa Claus is dead. Sleigh accident.
• I know it’s only April, but you inherited Daddy’s fair Irish skin so you can’t go outside without two hours of sunscreen-based prep-time. (This isn’t a lie. Which makes it even more cruel.)
• “Dora” was canceled; she found that shit.
• Every night, you swallow seven spiders in your sleep. Sweet dreams!
• Child labor laws have been abolished. You start at the factory tomorrow.
• Superheroes are bullshit and they promote fascism. P.S. I burned all your capes.
• Frozen 2 isn’t happening. Olaf melted. So did your Frozen DVD. (I melted it.)
• Mommy left. It’s just you and me now!

These may seem harsh, but that’s what April Fools’ Day is all about. Scaring someone half-to-death with bad news you’ve made up just so you can laugh when they start crying or destroy your relationship when they take you seriously and ask about an abortion. Then you scream “APRIL FOOLS!” at them as loud as you can, to make sure they get the hilarious joke!

Then you spend the next twenty minutes hugging and snuggling with your kids, promising them ice cream and a new toy while reassuring them that you were only lying, because lying about terrible and upsetting news is what makes April Fools’ Day such a delightfully whimsical holiday!