I don’t know you. And I don’t know your kids.
I have no idea what they’re like, how they act in public, at restaurants, in movie theaters. I don’t know if they have good manners, if they curse, if they listen to you more than they don’t, if they eat their dinners without argument and clean their rooms when asked.
I’ve never met you and probably never will. I couldn’t pick you out in a lineup. (I hope you’re not in any line-ups.) I don’t know if you’re quick to yell, or if you’re lazy, or if you’re neglectful.
But that doesn’t matter. I know you’re a good parent.
To be totally honest, I have no idea if you’re a good parent. Like I said, I don’t know you, I don’t know your kids, I’ve never seen you in action. But that’s not the point. 
The point is: I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt. Shouldn’t we all start doing that for each other?
I know, I know. It’s hard. It goes against our nature.
We all judge, whether we want to or not. Even I, Mr. Anti-Parent Parenting, Mr. Don’t Judge, You Don’t Have the Full Story, fall victim to it, intentionally or not. It’s instinctual, and it’s not something you can really turn off; you have to recognize it, then roll it back. It takes practice.
Yesterday, I posted an image on my Facebook page of a woman wearing her baby on her ass. I made a crack about how she was going to crush the kid when she sat down. Posting that photo was a total dick move. I genuinely wasn’t doing it to judge, I was just making a stupid joke – pretty much my entire M.O. – but I judged anyway.
I hate when people do that.
I hate when someone posts a photo and parents flock to criticize their baby-wearing technique, or their car-seat technique. It’s insane. Even beloved (not really) movie star (not really) Ryan Reynolds got called out by legions of fans (not really) who were offended by the way he was wearing his child in a photo. If the guy from “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place” can get crucified, what chance did the everyday woman in the photo I posted have?
I shouldn’t have posted that photo. Better yet, when I posted it, instead of making a stupid joke at her expense, I should have pointed out how heavy the kid must be, and how he wasn’t complaining and all, and how he was wearing a nice, warm winter coat (the image is from February), and how she was carrying him while also transporting two huge bags of luggage. On the NYC subway. While she was standing the entire time. I should have propped her up instead of tearing her down, all in the service of a cheap laugh on a Facebook page.
The constant evaluation doesn’t do anyone any good, wannabe movie star or not. It’s condescending and rude to the other parents, and despite the initial “I’m better than her!” rush you may feel, the exhilarating Schadenfreude, it’s no good for us either. It’s toxic. And contagious. We need to stop.
So I have an idea.
Instead of looking around, grading everyone else’s parenting, tallying up their mistakes, and condescendingly noting how we would do it better, let’s start awarding points for the positives.
The kids are alive? Gold star!
They’re wearing clothes? Gold star!
They look well-fed? Gold star!
They’re not currently screaming? Gold star!
Parenting isn’t math or science. There’s no Teacher’s manual with all the answers. So why not start grading it on a curve?
You snapped at your daughter after a hard day at work? No worries. At least you didn’t hit her! You bought your son fast food because you don’t get paid until tomorrow? Hey, he’s eating; great job! You forgot to pack your kid’s bathing suit for the field trip to the water park? Whatever, yesterday you actually remembered the shin guards for soccer practice. Cut yourself some slack!
We all parent under different circumstances. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. We all have moments of triumph and none of us are immune to failure. Resisting the impulse to judge is hard. It’s probably impossible. We’re all looking for some indication that we’re doing okay, and the easiest way is to find someone else you can rate yourself against.
This isn’t about turning off a part of your brain that you can hardly control, it’s about counteracting the negative thoughts with positive ones. It’s time to stop pinpointing each other’s failures and start celebrating all of our successes.
I don’t know you. I don’t know your kids. Odds are, most of the time, you’re probably just as bad at this parenthood thing as I usually am. But right now? You’re in it. You’re trying. And you’re doing great.
People are always railing against giving kids participation trophies just for showing up. I agree; children probably don’t need them.
We should be giving them to each other instead.
It’s also good to remember that kid having a tantrum might have additional needs such as autism, and isn’t just a ‘brat’ or whatever; and the parent is probably mortified but doing their best
Matt, you are so right. My son has ADD. He’s now 13 but when he was 5, I didn’t know. I just new he was very particular and got overstimulated. I was humiliated and treated so horribly once in public during a public tantrum, that I wrote an op-ed to the paper and ended up being interviewed about it. Not your circus, not your monkeys. You don’t know anything about what’s really going on. If I’m not seeing blatant, illegal abuse, in which case I would call someone, it’s not my damn business, unless I see the parent wants and asks for help. Then, I’m all in.
BTW, to Matt and to Dad and Buried, I am an editor at The Good Men Project. If you are familiar with the site, you know what types of pieces we seek, if not, and you’re interested in writing for us, take a look and then feel free to pitch an article directly to me @ jkanevsky@msn.com with GMP Submission in the subject. Always looking for more dad bloggers to submit their work. Thanks!
Great article. It’s nice to hear about parenting through the eyes of a dad.
kudos. well said.
Great post – love your blog, love seeing the humorous sides of parenting from a dad’s perspective. Good inspiration here for being gentler with my own parenting humor.
That woman is probably Nigerian-that’s how most mothers carry their children over here. I love your articles , sense of humour etc etc lol. Great reminder not to judge. I have a 4 month old and now I no longer look at mom’s with screaming babies funny.
Amen! Thank you for writing this article. Parents definitely need support from others, not criticism. I noticed that when I was a young mom with my hands full that there were two types of people who would approach me 1. People offering me help and an extra hands which I needed at the moment 2. People telling me what I was doing wrong, so they could feel important.
Your disgusting , your views on parenting are simply uneducated and not logical at all . Vaccines, car seat safety and a lot of other things that you sarcastically state your opinion about are ubsurd, I’m sure your a good parent too , your just dumb as shit and need to do some learning so your kids can reap the benefits
Well, if your kids have terrible grammar and like to attack people anonymously, we’ll know,where they get it from!
Note to Sarah: please learn when to use “you’re,” and “your.” Only then will your rants make any sense. Punctuation is nice, too, but let’s not get picky. Note to Mr. Dad and Buried: your humor is what every parent needs…!
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