The “dad bod” trend has been a boon to dads – and non-dads – everywhere. I was at the beach last week, and everywhere I looked, it was dad bod city.

Who can blame us? Men suddenly have validation for our laziness, and apparently there’s an entire subset of women who find our beer bellies attractive!

I admit that I have a dad bod of my own, but not on purpose. I go to the gym several times a week, and I try to eat healthy, give or take 100 beers a week. I don’t want a dad bod. I hate even saying dad bod. And I especially hate the people I blame for giving me one.

I just know that I could have a rad bod, if only I had more free time, and a personal trainer, and a fitness instructor, and a personal chef, and a gym in my house, and millions of dollars, and a career that depended on me working out six hours a day. We all could!

Especially if these five people weren’t conspiring against us.

The Five People to Blame for Your Dad Bod

1. Your Wife: After all, she’s the one that had to go and get pregnant, sitting there, eating whatever she wanted, sucking up pickles and ice cream like some kind of human vacuum cleaner. You were just lending support, making her feel better about her increasing size by increasing yours as well. Now she’s mad you still have a gut?
2. Your Kids: Why can’t they just finish their own meals so you don’t have to? There are children starving in China right now! And why do they have to keep demanding the chocolate cereal, and the cookies, and the snacks? If those things weren’t in the house just to please your spoiled, unhealthy children, you wouldn’t have to eat them, would you? WOULD YOU?!
3. Your Boss: Could work BE any more stressful? Your weight fluctuates like Matthew Perry’s over the course of “Friends”, thanks to the crazy deadlines and also maybe the person who keeps bringing in the Krispy Kreme every morning. (Note to self: stop bringing in Krispy Kreme.)
4. The Media: Maybe if they’d stop telling us Leonardo DiCaprio has a dad bod, we’d stop thinking it was possible to lure supermodels with our flabby, shapeless torsos.
5. Yourself: You’re weak. You’re pathetic. You just blamed your beautiful wife, your innocent children (who actually give you most of the exercise you DO get!), and national treasure Leonardo DiCaprio for your own lack of willpower! What are you gonna blame next, gay marriage? You should be ashamed of yourself. Stop worrying about everyone else, put down the pizza, and eat some kale, you miserable failure.

A slightly modified version of this post originally ran on Lifetime Moms.