Sometimes watching sports and being a (good) parent is a tough combination. Especially when you’re a Dolphins fan.

I don’t have much to cheer for these days, but I do have plenty to cheer against (primarily the Patriots, Jets, and Bills). Unfortunately, there’s a five-year-old around most of the time, which makes talking smack about my rivals a lot harder.

But I think I may have found a solution. Thank God Detective Munch can’t read!

I don’t really know if he is gonna be into watching sports, especially when the teams I watch aren’t exactly lighting the world on fire.

But I’m doing my best to secure his loyalty to them. He knows their names, but my efforts to cultivate an interest in watching their games have been met with little success. He’d rather play LEGO or watch cartoons. Until the Dolphins are good again, the odds of getting him interested are slim. Unless I start teaching him to hate other teams. Which I totally plan to do!

Just not yet. He’s only five. He needs to learn to love my teams before I teach him to hate their rivals. Which means, like with so much of parenting, I need to curb some of my worst tendencies. I’m a role model, after all. But not being able to talk trash about the teams you hate just because an impressionable child might have his worldview altered for the resort of his life is super lame.

Which is where Smack Apparel comes in. Their motto is “Why just talk smack, when you can wear it?” Especially if you can’t actually talk it because kids ruin everything.

Smack Apparel creates clothing based on bashing the teams you hate, whether it’s the Cowboys or the Packers or the Patriots or the Jets or the Patriots or the Jets or the Patriots or the Jets or even Notre Dame. Because while talking trash is fun, talking trash in front of little kids isn’t always advisable. That’s why it’s a good idea to wear the trash talk instead!

That’s what I’ll be doing this winter, because my son can’t read yet, and I’d rather express myself wearing a shirt that mocks the Pats than have to tell Tom Brady to go “fudge himself!” It’s a betrayal of my lifestyle!

These shirts make a pretty good gift for passionate sports fans of all ages and types (just an example, Smack Apparel sells gear mocking teams in every major sport, including college), but they’re especially handy for parents of like me, who want the world to know how much we hate the Jets without letting our kids know how black our hearts are.

Click here for a chance to win a free Smack Apparel t-shirt!