We’re only three days into the new year, and if you’re anything like me, you’ve already broken your resolutions. Of course, if you’re exactly like me, you never bothered making any resolutions in the first place because ew.
I’ve never found them helpful, personally, but I do wish I could get Detective Munch to make a few. Despite my best parenting efforts, there are some things he still needs to commit to that would improve quality of life for both of us in 2017!
You’re not gonna believe this, but I went ahead and made a list of them.
That’s right, I wrote a list of goals I’d love my 6-year-old to try to accomplish this year. And he’s already a few days behind!
Resolutions have never worked for me, so I’m not crazy enough to think they would work for a 6-year-old. But the fact that this idea is essentially an impossible fantasy from the mind of a desperate parent has never stopped me before!
The New Year’s Resolutions Every Parent Wishes Their Kid Made
- Eat dinner
- Eat healthy
- Eat what your mother spent two hours slaving over
- Eat what I took out of the microwave and put in front of you
- Eat these two sugar packets
- Eat something!
- Eat more quickly
- Pick up your clothes
- Clean your room
- Clean your own butt!
- Go to sleep on time
- Go to sleep ever
- Sleep more
- Sleep until sunrise
- Pretend you’re sleeping
- Just lie there and be quiet for a few hours?
- Be kind
- Stand up for yourself
- Don’t hit
- Use your words
- Don’t use bad words
- Talk to us
- Tell us about your day!
- Don’t talk so loud
- Don’t talk so much
- Don’t talk back
- Just stop talking already!
- Share
- Give me that back
- Show respect
- Use your manners
- Say “please”
- Say “thank you”
- Say “thank you”
- Say “thank you!”
- SHOW ME SOME GODDAMN GRATITUDE FOR ONCE!!!
- Say “you’re welcome”
- Have less screen time
- God, I’m busy. Just go watch TV.
A slightly altered version of this post originally ran on Scary Mommy.
