My second kid turned eight months old yesterday. He has a few teeth, we’ve started easing him into baby food (with disastrous results), and he’s looking to crawl any minute, which is going to severely complicate my life and increase my stress level.
Meanwhile, the original kid started first grade last week. He is about to lose a few teeth, tried oysters for the first time over the summer (loved them!), and, most significantly, is dangerously close to being able to read the channel guide, thus preventing me from lying about his shows not being on.
This is all very momentous, obviously, but when do my kids’ developmental milestones start benefiting me?
Most developmental milestones are great for the kids, but pretty lame for the parents.
Sure, it’s exciting to see your kids grow up and start to morph from useless wormblobs to useless miniature human beings, but if my five-year-old is any indication, most of the skills kids acquire usually end up making your life more difficult. Like I said: lame!
I’ve compiled a list of underrated milestones; milestones that actually improve the quality of your life, rather than make it worse.
Underrated Milestones
- Can hold own bottle – My arms are tired, bro. (I just turned 40.) Pick up the slack already!
- Can hold own head up/sit up without being held – Finally, you don’t have to worry about his head falling off and/or concussions. Plus you have a hand free for your phone, or your beer, or to stop your other kid from doing something stupid.
- Can turn on the TV – Detective Munch reached this stage shortly before we had The Hammer, and it was glorious. It allowed Mom and Buried and I a few extra winks while he gorged on (a maximum of) two episodes of some insipid children’s show. Then we had The Hammer and I literally can’t remember a time when I wasn’t awake so it’s hardly matters anymore.
- Can get dressed – Not only does this one also buy you a little extra time to yourself in the morning, it’s also often hilarious. It also allows me to blame my son whenever I accidentally dress him in something that clashes. I’m colorblind, get off me!
- Can wipe own butt – This could be the entire list. It’s basically all I care about anymore. There is nothing more humiliating than wiping another person’s ass, unless you count wiping his ass after he prefaces his trip to the bathroom with his customary “I wipe then you wipe!” process, unless you count being summoned to the bathroom for your portion of the wiping process with shouts of “Ding dong! Ding dong!”, unless you count being summoned to the bathroom for your portion of the wiping process with shouts of “Hot dog! Hot dog!” because for some reason that’s the code word he chose to let me know it’s my turn to clean his feces because parenting is a goddamn DELIGHT.
- Can go to bus stop alone – This happens eventually, right? I can just send him down the street alone? Please tell me this happens eventually. Today I stood there for 30 minutes (bus was late) while he and his friends repeatedly ran up and down the block, screeching as they passed, long before I had any coffee.
- Can get own breakfast – Another entry in the “please let me get five more minutes of sleep” category. I should probably just start putting his cereal bars and mini-muffins somewhere he can reach them. God I’m an idiot.
- Can cook my breakfast – Just stand on a stool and put some bacon in the microwave, dude. Help a brother out.
- Can catch – Detective Munch can throw like a champ. (He often reminds me by whipping things at my crotch.) But unless you’re talking about colds, or the Dothraki virus, or a whipping, he can’t catch anything to save his life. It won’t exactly improve my life when he acquires this skill, but I’ll at least stop having to make fun of the goofy little butterfingers!
- Can Google – BECAUSE ENOUGH WITH THE QUESTIONS ALREADY.
- Can stay home alone – Babysitters are expensive!
- Can take care of younger siblings – Babysitters are expensive!
- Can pick me up from the bar – Uber is expensive!
- Can do chores/do homework – I didn’t make it to 40 just so I can repeat the crap I hated doing when I was a kid. Why do you think I had kids in the first place?!
Click here to respond to this post on Dad and Buried’s Facebook page.
Can hold iphone? That comes into play at one point, I’d think.
I am a stay at home mother of five. Although i don’t agree with everything you say, I do admire how honest you are about parenting. (Especially the wiping of small butts lol) because let’s be honest….it’s not all birthday cakes and smiles all the time! Parenting is hard and exhausting sometimes. I’m sure it feels good to let your thoughts and frustrations out on your blog. Will be following. Sincerely -nearlyhalfadozen.
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Wow that was strange. I just wrote an really long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Anyways, just wanted to say superb blog!
Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you knew of any widgets I could add to my blog that automatically tweet my newest twitter updates. I’ve been looking for a plug-in like this for quite some time and was hoping maybe you would have some experience with something like this. Please let me know if you run into anything. I truly enjoy reading your blog and I look forward to your new updates.
Right now it looks like BlogEngine is the best blogging platform out there right now. (from what I’ve read) Is that what you are using on your blog?
Aw, this was an exceptionally nice post. Taking a few minutes and actual effort to create a good article… but what can I say… I put things off a whole lot and don’t seem to get nearly anything done.
Aw, this was an incredibly nice post. Taking a few minutes and actual effort to create a superb article… but what can I say… I procrastinate a lot and never seem to get anything done.
Can I simply just say what a comfort to discover someone that truly understands what they’re discussing on the net. You actually realize how to bring an issue to light and make it important. A lot more people should check this out and understand this side of the story. It’s surprising you aren’t more popular given that you definitely possess the gift.
Right now it sounds like Expression Engine is the preferred blogging platform available right now. (from what I’ve read) Is that what you’re using on your blog?
Currently it looks like Drupal is the top blogging platform out there right now. (from what I’ve read) Is that what you are using on your blog?
Right now it appears like BlogEngine is the preferred blogging platform available right now. (from what I’ve read) Is that what you’re using on your blog?
At this time it sounds like BlogEngine is the best blogging platform available right now. (from what I’ve read) Is that what you are using on your blog?
Aw, this was an extremely nice post. Spending some time and actual effort to create a great article… but what can I say… I put things off a lot and never manage to get nearly anything done.
Hi there, You have done a great job. I’ll certainly digg it and individually recommend to my friends. I am sure they’ll be benefited from this website.
At this time it seems like Movable Type is the preferred blogging platform out there right now. (from what I’ve read) Is that what you’re using on your blog?
Aw, this was an extremely good post. Taking the time and actual effort to generate a superb article… but what can I say… I hesitate a lot and don’t seem to get nearly anything done.