Parents get up in arms about all sorts of things.

It makes sense. Our kids are important to us, so things that affect them are important to us too. But so many parenting issues grow contentious as initial feelings of concern become loaded with judgment and superiority. The next thing you know, there are full-blown controversies over how other people are raising their kids.

I do my best not to get involved in those stupid parenting controversies.

When it comes to the way other people raise their kids, my philosophy is pretty much: you do you. So long as you’re not harming your kids, or my kids, or anyone else, it’s your prerogative. We’re all experimenting, here’s hoping what you try works for your family.

There are a whole bunch of stupid parenting controversies we find ourselves getting embroiled in. This list barely cracks the surface.

Stupid Parenting Controversies

• Breastfeeding v. Bottle-feeding: I could not care less about how you get your kids to eat. Fed is best!
• Screen-time: This is only a controversy if you’re Amish. Or super pretentious. Maybe don’t sit your kids down in front of the TV all day long, but you’re entitled to let the boob tube or the bone phone babysit them for a stretch if you need a break or a nap or to cook or to cry into a pillow. I watched a ton of TV as a kid and none of that required hand-eye coordination, so in my mind, games on the tablet are actually even better for them. Plus I’m gonna need someone to set up my Virtual Reality implants when I’m older so my kids need all the tech training they can get!
• Sleep Training: I could not care less about how you get your kids to sleep. Rest is best!
• Dads Don’t Babysit: Except they kind of do. All parents do! Look, I get this one, it’s not just semantics, it’s about the role of fathers being devalued by a society that simultaneously devalues the role of women in the workplace. They go hand in hand. Stop pretending dads can’t handle their kids and there will be less hand wringing over women going to work every day. That said, on a personal level, I only care if my wife and kids think I’m doing a good job.
• Potty-training: There is almost nothing I’d rather talk about less than the toilet habits of children. Do what you gotta do to make sure they can function in the real world.
• Allergies: HOW IS THIS A CONTROVERSY? PLEASE DON’T MURDER MY CHILD, YOU LAZY, INCONSIDERATE P.O.S.!
• Gender Categories: Kids tend to gravitate where they’re gonna gravitate – to trucks and superheroes or dolls and glitter – regardless of whether Target stops labeling their toys. Regardless, this isn’t about forcing kids to go against themselves for no reason, it’s about allowing them to explore without being pressured into or judged for liking the things they like! Society is going to box them up eventually, why not let them explore the world unfettered, before their innocence is corrupted. (And for the love of Jeebus, don’t do the corrupting yourself!)
• Vaccination: HOW IS THIS A CONTROVERSY? PLEASE DON’T MURDER EVERYONE’S CHILDREN, YOU STUPID ASSHOLES!
• Circumcision: Penises are the one thing I want to talk about less than the toilet habits of children.

What parenting controversies do you not care about? Let me know on my Facebook page!