I’m not going to say my son’s a genius.
I’m going to type it: MY SON IS A GENIUS.
Let me be clear: at my son’s young age, there is a lot he doesn’t know. Hell, at my age, there’s a lot I don’t know. But while my son is still figuring out how to feed himself, he’s been picking up all sorts of other knowledge and skills at an incredible rate.
So I thought I’d start posting about the new things he can do. In list form!
Assorted Stuff My Kid Can Do
- he can quack like a duck
- he can “ho ho ho” like Santa Claus
- he can bark like a dog
- he can howl like a wolf
- he can walk like a man (a drunk man)
- he can talk like a man (not true)
- late December 1963 was a very special time in his life
- he can say “thank you”
- he can use “thank you” preemptively in order to acquire what’s in your hand through the sheer force of his anticipatory gratitude
- he can take the TV remote and point it at the TV
- he can take the TV remote and hand it to you and then point at the TV until you make Elmo appear
- he can climb stairs
- he can dance
- he can slow dance
- he can dance like no one’s watching (but he prefers an audience)
- he can dance like David Silver
- he can follow some basic commands (including “come here” and “sit on my lap” and “bring me that book” and “puff puff give”)
- he can sign a few words (including “more” and “eat”)
- he can say “hi” and “bye”
- he can say “no”
- he cannot stop saying “no”
- he can shake his head “no”
- he can push food away while saying and/or shaking his head “no”
- he can loudly and violently refuse food only to accidentally eat it and discover he loves it
- he can point at the food he only recently despised and scream if it is not immediately placed in front of him
- he can soon be studied by psychologists because he is clearly batshit insane
- he can pick the food he doesn’t like out of the food he does like, even when all aforementioned foods are in his mouth
- he can throw those foods on the floor
- he can laugh maniacally while displaying the previous skill on this list
- he can continue to laugh maniacally as you swear and clean the floor like some kind of fucked-up male Cinderella (pre-slipper incident)
- he can sweep the floor (not a Karate Kid-style euphemism; we’re actually training him to sweep the floor. In lieu of rent.)
- he can “read” (i.e., he can leaf through books)
- he can take the Bose remote and damage your eardrums by turning the speaker on with the volume set incredibly, painfully high
- he can hold his yogurt pack by himself and suck it dry and toss it on the floor with contempt when it’s empty
- he can pour his milk all over the rug
- he can blow kisses and he does so without discrimination
- he can comb his hair
- he can attempt to put on socks
- he can locate and push my bellybutton
- he can say bye with such repetition that it becomes painfully obvious that he would really like you to leave
- like, leave right now. I said get out of here!
- he can hurt my feelings.
Despite the fact that my wife forwards me the “Your baby at XX months!” emails every week, I have no real idea if my kid is acquiring his many, MANY skills at a highly accelerated rate or if he’s merely acquiring them at a somewhat accelerated rate. I’m not a scientist. And you already know how I feel about benchmarking your kids.
But I am incredibly proud of my son for the things he’s learning everyday, even though most of his learning so far is pretty much instinctual and/or imitative. I’m just really annoyed I have to force myself to stop swearing so much, lest the kid start cursing out strangers rather than blowing them kisses.