I like to read advice columns. They are often hilarious, sometimes due to the strangeness of the issue, sometimes because of the obliviousness of the advice seeker. Judging by their questions, these people have no clue how to conduct themselves socially. It can be fun to laugh at them.
And sometimes the funniest part is the so-called expert’s response. The idea of someone being an expert in all of these far-reaching, wide-ranging problems from other people’s lives is flagrantly absurd, and it’s almost as entertaining to judge this self-proclaimed expert’s answers as it is to judge the questions. Just look at the nonsense in this column. It comes at you from both sides!
The whole advice racket is just too much fun to pass up, so today I’m announcing my intention to join in.
One of the frequent topics of this blog is Other Parents and how much they suck. Obviously, not all other parents suck, but all Other Parents do. Other Parents are those people who think they have a superior grasp on the science of child-rearing. They love to tell you when you’re doing it wrong, as if they have all the answers, when the fact is there are no answers and they are assholes. Now is the time on Dad and Buried when I am that asshole.
Starting today, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org – or use the form below – and ask me for advice. The Dad and Buried Advice Column will run your questions and my answers about fatherhood, parenting, toddlers, baby products, baby names, Baby from Dirty Dancing and anything else that’s on your mind. I will give the answers to all of your problems (except for the Dirty Dancing stuff – MomandBuried will have to field those) whether I know whereof I speak or not. Mostly not.
Which is, of course, the point.
I have been a father for less than two years and I don’t know shit. Hell, I’m sure that when I’ve been a father for thirty years I’ll still be totally guessing. But that won’t stop me from joining the ranks of the best advice columnists out there and talking right out of my ass like the expert so many pretend to be.
So hit me with your best shot. The funny thing is, I’m actually not bad at giving advice; I’m a good listener and I don’t really care about any of you one way or another, which will allow me to be totally impartial. I might even somehow solve a problem or two, and if you don’t mind the occasional swear, I’ll at least make some of you laugh. Mostly out of schadenfreude.
If I get really lucky, I might even come up with a gem worthy of Coughlin.
ASK AWAY. WHAT’S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN?
(I already mentioned the swearing):