Hilarious Things to Say to Someone Who Only Has One Kid

Mom and Buried and I only have one kid. Which makes us worse than all those parents who have more than one. Truly. We’re worse parents AND worse people.

At least we’re still better than all those people out there with NO kids! Am I right?

The fact is, having one kid is so easy it’s a joke. It’s pretty much exactly like having zero kids, except you actually have the one kid. Thankfully, one kid barely even registers in your life.

I’m a stay-at-home dad but since I only have one kid I’m really just a stay-at-home guy. I basically sit on my ass at home all day. Sometimes, I forget my son is even there! I honestly don’t know where he is right now, but I’m sure he’s fine. He’s just one person. He can handle himself.

I don’t know why only children even have parents.

We’ve put a lot of thought into whether or not we would ever want another kid, as evidenced by the hand-wringing in these two posts (one, two). Lately we’ve been coming down on the side of just having one, for a variety of reasons, but mostly for the awesome comedy it yields. Seriously, do you love to laugh? Then just have one kid! You’ll be a comedy MAGNET!parenting, siblings, age gap, sibling age gap, dad and buried, mike julianelle, funny, dad bloggers, mommy bloggers, fathers, brothers, multiple kids, family, lifestyle, babies, development

Here’s a list of some of the funniest stuff you can say to someone who isn’t parent enough to have more than one child. It’s even better if that person writes a blog about “parenting” that one child and occasionally bitches about how annoying it is. Hahahaha! Only one child? What right do you have to complain? You can’t even call that “parenting”!

Eleven Hilarious Things to Say to Someone with Only One Kid

  1. You only have one kid?
  2. How come you only have one kid?
  3. It must be really easy only having one kid.
  4. Aren’t you worried he’ll be spoiled?
  5. Wow. You’re a stay-at-home parent to one kid? That must be SO hard. *snicker*
  6. Aren’t you worried he’ll be lonely?
  7. Wife’s not putting out, eh?
  8. Why don’t you have another kid?
  9. I wish *I* only had one kid. It’s so much easier.
  10. What do you mean you’re only having one kid? What about Jesus?
  11. What’s a matter, guy? Your balls don’t work?

There are a thousand different reasons to have more than one kid and only one reason not to: you’re a terrible, lazy, no-good parent who can’t handle the responsibility. (There are NO REASONS to have more than three kids.)

The bad news is: parents with only one child are horrible people that are letting the world down. The good news is: the shiftless scumbags only have one kid.


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13 thoughts on “Hilarious Things to Say to Someone Who Only Has One Kid

  1. I’m fascinated at this push for people to have more and more children. I just don’t get it. Families should do what works for them.

    I commend you both for being thoughtful about what works best for your family.

  2. It’s bad enough having one crazy midget stumbling about the place, ruling our lives with a mere scream from his lungs. I’m not about to birth a couple more so he can have minions that can gang up on us!

  3. I am another terrible and lazy parent who is letting the world down. I am especially guilty as neither my brother nor brother-in-law have ANY chidlren, so I have to make up for their shoddy excusses of lives.

    The question that gets me is ‘When are you going to have another one?’ as if there really weren’t any option to stick at one.

  4. What about all the moms and dads that have 3,4, and 5 children and walk out on them and never financially support their own child. After abandoning one family, they always move on and have more children usually out of wedlock. Their children are always born on welfare as well. Yes I have only one child that I supported on my own. We always had money because I’m not a breeder like a bitch dog in heat.

  5. I used to think some of the same things as you. I have an inner asshole, too. But not after me and my husband tried for years, had 2 miscarriages and finally, by some miracle, had a beautiful, kind girl. She happens to have a lot of problems and special needs. When people say things like “When are you going to have another?” knowing that we probably can’t, it hurts. Also, even though she is an only child, she is a real handful! I realize that many say this without meaning to hurt others, but I hope that someone reads this and thinks twice about what they say. Don’t assume that because you are blessed in a certain way that others are too.

  6. I have one of each gender. And I still get questions. Are you having any more? After I say no, they usually say at least you got one of each! What does that have to do with it?!

  7. I have one child and was recently out to a big brunch at a restaurant, where one woman (whose children are all grown and out on their own) informed everyone that “one child was basically like 0, and two kids are basically like having 1… but THREE kids is like having 100…” …guess how many kids this woman has? Three… She is WAY better than everyone, because she basically raised 100 kids…. Needless to say, I was very impressed by her statement

  8. I have 3 kids. Only child myself. My parents definitely had a lot of time to spend on me, and we were very opportunistic about life and opportunities. I hope I’ll have that focus on each of my children. I often ask single kid parents if they are considering more. It’s a reasonable question right? You can strive not to offend people, but people have their triggers (based on history, fears, anxieties). Innocent questions aren’t meant to offend.

    1. But why do you have to ask? The only reason someone asks “how many children do you have” is to attempt to evaluate the other’s status as a parent and elevate their own. My best friend (@aimofftherails) has a statement of “mind your own womb” and I think everyone should adhere to that. Maybe the person you are asking just lost a child that would have been their “only” child’s sibling. Are we going to evaluate how beneficial those people are to society too? Think before you speak, people. Take others at face value and let’s focus on building a future generation together… because let’s face it in 50 years they’re going to be taking care of us.

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