My son is at the age where he’s constantly imitating his parents, which is cute, but could eventually get problematic, especially once he can really talk. My wife and I haven’t yet gotten the hang of the whole “we’re role models” aspect of parenting and we swear like sailors (foul-mouthed sailors.) So I worry that our son is going to pick up some bad habits.

That said, I’m not letting some snot-nosed little kid change my personality/behavior/way of life. I mean, I’m like ten times his size and a LOT smarter. A LOT SMARTER. I could literally throw him in the cabinet under the sink and go watch March Madness all day while wearing a beer helmet and he couldn’t do a thing about it. He can’t work latches! So no, I’m not changing for some mush-mouthed nincompoop, not after working my ass off all week long. I’ve gotta live my life too, junior!

But I still want him to grow up right, just without, ya know, working hard at raising him. So, as we Americans do, I sought out a short-cut. And I found one, in television.

I considered finding some real people that might serve as good examples for my son but that might make me look bad, them being real and nearby and all. So I turned to TV instead. Unfortunately, good behavior equals bad entertainment, so it’s not easy to find examples of positive role models within the fictional world (especially now that “7th Heaven” is off the air). I did my best to compile a list from some of my favorite TV shows, but just about everyone I’ve found is flawed in some way.

Here they are, complete with a picture and some pros and cons.

1 – Don Draper

PROS: Successful, smart, keeps his emotions in check, doesn’t take shit. Has a way with the ladies. Killer haircut.

CONS: Has problems with the truth. Has problems with fidelity. Smokes a lot. Drinks a lot. Has problems.

2 – Prince Joffrey

PROS: Doesn’t take no guff from the ladies. Rules with an iron fist. Stable career path.

CONS: Child of incest. Face that screams for a punch or thousand. Terrible name. TERRIBLE NAME.

2 – Jesse Pinkman

PROS: Um…Has a baby face? Says “yo” a lot? I got nothin.

CONS: Drug dealer. Takes shit from a chemistry teacher. Says “bitch” a lot.

4 – Raylan Givens

PROS: Quick-witted. A good shot. Pulls off cowboy hat. Pulls off goatee. Always wins.

CONS: Quick tempered. Shoots a lot of people. Wears a cowboy hat. Wears a goatee. Anger management issues.

5 – Coach Taylor

PROS: Not enough room to list them.

CONS: DOES NOT EXIST AND IS NOT MY FATHER.

That’s about it. Some dicey choices in there. Maybe I’m better off doing it myself. At least until I can show him my “Friday Night Lights” DVDs.