I’ve been writing a lot about the dreams my son may have as he grows up and the way life may dash them. But the fact is, despite how hard it is to become a rock star, or how unlikely it may be that he will be a professional athlete, if there’s one country in the world where such outlandish dreams are possible, it’s Canada.

But America ain’t bad either.

Freedom can be a dangerous thing. There are so many ways it can go wrong. In honor of Independence Day, I’ve put together a little list of things my son can be when he grows up, because of our freedom, but that I hope he doesn’t become.

My son can try to be whatever he wants to be, no matter how unlikely it may seem to others. Here’s hoping he goes for something good and not one of the following.

Ten Things I Don’t Want My Son to Be When He Grows Up

• A Yankee or a Jet – The odds are against an athletic future, but if he were to somehow manage it, I’d be thrilled. So long as he doesn’t don either of these hateful uniforms.
• Anything to Do with Dubstep – I barely know what it is but I hate it
• One of Those People who Goes on Cable News Shows and Interprets Body Language or Talks About Celebrities – America is great and all but I’d almost be willing to be British if it meant we weren’t subjected to this kind of bullshit.
• An Asshole – Self-explanatory
• A Bigot – See previous entry
• A Republican – See previous entry
• A Teacher – Don’t get me wrong, it’s admirable and I’d be proud of my son if he went this route. But they’re overworked and underpaid and shamefully overlooked. I’d rather he find an easier way to make a difference, like making his teachers’ lives easier by not being a dick in class and then becoming a millionaire by doing something our terrible society actually values.
• A Juggalo – The day he buys an ICP album is the last day we set eyes on each other.
• Someone who Celebrates Star Wars Day – I love the original trilogy too but that “May the Fourth” shit is just stupid.
• A Morning Person – They are really annoying.

Happy Independence Day!