Ten Ways Having a Toddler is Like Being in Prison

As a parent, your schedule is often dictated by the needs of your child, especially when that child is young.

The necessity of getting a toddler home for a nap – as well as the need to get them to bed for the night before the sun has even gone down – can cripple your day. Being sequestered in your home for a few hours is usually better than dealing with a public meltdown from an overtired toddler, so sometimes the trade-off is worth it. Still, raising a toddler can be rather suffocating.

In fact, it’s uncanny how many aspects of the parenting experience are reminiscent of prison. Complete with a sadistic little warden who harbors a Napoleon complex.

Ten Ways Having a Toddler is Like Being in Prison

  • You can’t do anything without constant supervision
  • Every morning begins with someone screaming at you to wake up
  • You’re always terrified something bad will happen when you’re in the shower
  • You’re always terrified someone is going to crawl into your bed in the middle of the night
  • Meal time is fraught with tension
  • Someone’s always watching you go to the bathroom
  • You never get to choose the movie and then it’s hard to hear it over all the hooting and hollering
  • You’re always terrified someone is going to punch, bite, tackle, stab or attack you with some kind of makeshift weapon
  • Contraband – like booze, chocolate and adult entertainment – must be smuggled in and consumed in secret
  • Conjugal visits are hard to come by, require intense scheduling, and are often interrupted

BONUS: One Way Having a Toddler is NOT Like Being in Prison

  • Being placed in solitary confinement is a reward, not a punishment

The biggest similarity between prison and parenting? There is NO ESCAPE. In fact, you often crawl through miles of shit-smelling foulness without any payoff at all.

And parole ain’t for 18 years.

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33 thoughts on “Ten Ways Having a Toddler is Like Being in Prison

  1. This is fantastic!! The best part of all is we chose this life! But I wouldn’t change it. Baby jail can be fun.

  2. Good Lord if you can’t find the humor in this article why are you even reading this blog/article?

    Seriously. Go somewhere else Debbie Downers

  3. Incredible, amazing weblog structure! Precisely how very long have you ever been posting regarding? you’ve made writing a blog view effortless. Your entire search within your web page is very useful, not to the content materials!

  4. Brilliant. Absolutely loved it and my wife and I just found your blog today and have been snorting with laughter.

  5. 18 years….OR LONGER! Yikes!! I loved this post! It hit waaaaay too close to home, and I don’t even have a TODDLER anymore! Uh oh! I am doomed.

    Thanks for linking up at #BlogDiggity today! I hope to see you back again next week!

  6. You really summed up that “trapped” feeling! Such a humorous post and if someone doesn’t get that, they must be having REAL prison flashbacks! Geez! I enjoyed this read! Thanks for linking up with Blogdiggity!

  7. You’re comparing having a child to the constant fear of rape in prison (points three and four)? That’s so gross.

  8. Errr, Alison, I think you didn’t understand.

    The comparison is on bad things happening when you take a shower. If you’re in prison: yes, it’s about rape. When you have toddlers: it’s about your kids breaking something, falling from bed, the fence or any other high place, getting in trouble, being chased by an elephant… everything is possible.

  9. Totally accurate and HILARIOUS!!!! I dont have toddlers anymore but i remember taking poops with 2 sets of eyes (2 and 4) trained on me. Now they are 8 and ten and i can’t even walk past the bathroom without being accused of spying on the little demons! I love beyond life though!

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