It’s football season! And you know what that means: it’s fantasy football season!

Bore everyone to tears with game recaps! Anger wives and girlfriends by spending too much time doing research! Turn leisurely Sundays into stress-filled angerscapes of regret and frustration. I can’t wait!

I’ve written about my relationship with fantasy football before, even going so far as to consider skipping the birth of my child to attend my draft. That was a choice I didn’t end up having to make, thankfully, and it resulted in one of the best day’s of my life: the day I won it all.

These days, almost everyone in the league has kids, and since everyone with kids wishes they had better kids, I thought I’d imagine what the top picks in a Fantasy Parenting draft would look like.

Fantasy Parenting Rankings

• #1: A totally healthy, totally happy kid

Like Fantasy Football’s Adrian Peterson, the Fantasy Parenting Draft has a consensus #1. No one is passing that up.



• #2: A kid who sleeps til 10AM every morning
• #3: A vacation without kids
• #4: A kid who is already potty-trained

If I had the 4th pick, I’d be more than happy with whichever of those three happened to be left.

• #5: Free college tuition

Total boom or bust pick: college may well be obsolete in fifteen years. But if not, it will cost a FORTUNE. Too much upside to pass this one up with the fifth pick.

• #6: A kid who LOVES playing by himself, quietly

I love this pick. I could see it going as high as 3rd, really. A quiet kid is almost as good as getting extra sleep.

• #7: Painless vasectomy

One of the most controversial picks of the draft. You may never need a vasectomy, or worse, you may eventually decide to get it reversed! But like the homer who needs the Patriots’ 3rd string RB and reaches to get him, some joker always panics and grabs this one early, usually right after their kid has pissed them off. For me, it’s a last-ditch option and I wouldn’t go near it until round 8, at the earliest.

• #8: A kid who cleans up after himself

This just never seems to pan out. Let someone else make this mistake.

• #9: An athletic/musical/scholastic prodigy

Another high-risk, high-reward pick. Even if it pays off early, could cause a lot of headaches down the road.

• #10: A kid who eats his dinner without a fight

Solid late first-rounder. Nothing flashy, but consistent year after year. So long as you have a lot of mac and cheese in the house.

• First-round dark horse: Tim Tebow

Let’s face it, the guy needs a home. And I’m sure his manners are impeccable.

Sleepers: A kid who likes “The Wire”; a kid who never talks back; a kid who falls asleep in the car; a kid who never whines; no tantrums; a kid who can see you eating junk food but NEVER WANTS it himself; a kid who hates children’s music and only listens real, quality stuff; a kid who never wakes up in the middle of the night; a kid who isn’t interested in your iPad or computer.

Obviously, this list is totally subjective. Like any fantasy league, how you rank yours depends largely on the format. Do you have more than one kid? Maybe a vasectomy is a good call early. A nanny or grandparents around to help? Then you might not need to take the kid-free vacation. Just know your league, go with your gut, and don’t get too caught up in results that it stops being fun.

Raising a good kid takes good parenting, but nobody really knows anything, and it all comes down to luck.