It’s football season! And you know what that means: it’s fantasy football season!
Bore everyone to tears with game recaps! Anger wives and girlfriends by spending too much time doing research! Turn leisurely Sundays into stress-filled angerscapes of regret and frustration. I can’t wait!
I’ve written about my relationship with fantasy football before, even going so far as to consider skipping the birth of my child to attend my draft. That was a choice I didn’t end up having to make, thankfully, and it resulted in one of the best day’s of my life: the day I won it all.
These days, almost everyone in the league has kids, and since everyone with kids wishes they had better kids, I thought I’d imagine what the top picks in a Fantasy Parenting draft would look like.
Fantasy Parenting Rankings
- #1: A totally healthy, totally happy kid
- #2: A kid who sleeps til 10AM every morning
- #3: A vacation without kids
- #4: A kid who is already potty-trained
- #5: Free college tuition
- #6: A kid who LOVES playing by himself, quietly
- #7: Painless vasectomy
- #8: A kid who cleans up after himself
- #9: An athletic/musical/scholastic prodigy
- #10: A kid who eats his dinner without a fight
- First-round dark horse: Tim Tebow
Like Fantasy Football’s Adrian Peterson, the Fantasy Parenting Draft has a consensus #1. No one is passing that up.
If I had the 4th pick, I’d be more than happy with whichever of those three happened to be left.
Total boom or bust pick: college may well be obsolete in fifteen years. But if not, it will cost a FORTUNE. Too much upside to pass this one up with the fifth pick.
I love this pick. I could see it going as high as 3rd, really. A quiet kid is almost as good as getting extra sleep.
One of the most controversial picks of the draft. You may never need a vasectomy, or worse, you may eventually decide to get it reversed! But like the homer who needs the Patriots’ 3rd string RB and reaches to get him, some joker always panics and grabs this one early, usually right after their kid has pissed them off. For me, it’s a last-ditch option and I wouldn’t go near it until round 8, at the earliest.
This just never seems to pan out. Let someone else make this mistake.
Another high-risk, high-reward pick. Even if it pays off early, could cause a lot of headaches down the road.
Solid late first-rounder. Nothing flashy, but consistent year after year. So long as you have a lot of mac and cheese in the house.
Let’s face it, the guy needs a home. And I’m sure his manners are impeccable.
Sleepers: A kid who likes “The Wire”; a kid who never talks back; a kid who falls asleep in the car; a kid who never whines; no tantrums; a kid who can see you eating junk food but NEVER WANTS it himself; a kid who hates children’s music and only listens real, quality stuff; a kid who never wakes up in the middle of the night; a kid who isn’t interested in your iPad or computer.
Obviously, this list is totally subjective. Like any fantasy league, how you rank yours depends largely on the format. Do you have more than one kid? Maybe a vasectomy is a good call early. A nanny or grandparents around to help? Then you might not need to take the kid-free vacation. Just know your league, go with your gut, and don’t get too caught up in results that it stops being fun.
Raising a good kid takes good parenting, but nobody really knows anything, and it all comes down to luck.
My kids do not come under my salary cap, but the league is letting me have them on my team anyway.
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Haha, this is hilarious! Love the fantasy parenting draft concept. Though, even with a totally healthy kid, I bet there’d be Granny moments wishing they slept past 6 am! Seriously, a vacation without kids? That’s MVP material right there. Free college? Draft him! My number one pick. This is pure gold!
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This is a hilarious concept! Now I’m picturing the real-life stats you’d need for a kid. Great read to kick off the season!
Haha, this is hilarious and so relatable! It’s all about building the perfect team, right? Everyone has their own ideal player. My own “fantasy kid” probably wouldn’t involve silence, though. I think I’d miss the chatter. Speaking of team building, I’ve been having a blast lately honing my skills on Basketball Stars. It’s a great way to get some competitive energy out without actually having to coach anyone. Check it out if you need a virtual distraction!
Okay, I chuckled reading this! The vasectomy analogy is brutal but hilarious. This whole draft idea is funny because parenting truly is unpredictable. Speaking of unpredictable fun, have you tried the Suika Game? It’s unexpectedly addictive and a great way to unwind after dealing with the chaos of kids (or contemplating avoiding it altogether!). I recommend checking it out!
This is hilarious! The fantasy parenting draft is spot on. The stress, the regret… sounds about right! You know what else gives that “one more try” feeling? Geometry Dash. It’s a tough but rewarding rhythm-based platformer. If you need a break from managing imaginary kids, give it a shot. You might find it’s the perfect antidote to the Sunday scaries!
A quiet kid is easily top 3. Reminds me of trying to rewrite essay online in a loud dorm.
The quiet kid is a steal at #6. I’m currently stuck deciding between Notion vs Trello just to keep my own life together.
I laughed and then felt oddly seen—especially the “dinner without a fight” and the “sleeper” kid descriptions. I remember trying to get my kids to eat something other than mac and cheese, and realizing the real goal wasn’t perfection—it was keeping the evening peaceful and connected. Humor helps, but so does noticing small wins. If you’re juggling the same “how do we get through dinner?” moments, I’ve found it helpful to share and learn with other parents on the Bad parenting platform.
Outstanding quest there. Whhat occrred after? Takke care!
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This is hilarious! Your description of fantasy football season is spot-on – the stress, the endless research, it’s all too real. I love the idea of a Fantasy Parenting draft; it definitely adds a whole new dimension of competitive fun. Sometimes, when I need a break from all the stats and matchups, I’ll even sneak in a quick game of Snow Rider 3D online. It’s a great way to clear my head before diving back into the madness!
The fantasy parenting draft is genius—ranking “kid sleeps til 10AM” as #2 and “cleans up after himself” as an unreliable late pick nails exactly how parenting actually works versus what you hope for. The sleepers list is brutal too, especially the one about kids who don’t want your junk food. I use Decode the VIN sometimes to check details on things, and I appreciate when writers get that balance between brutal honesty and actual affection for the chaos they’re describing.
The fantasy parenting draft got me ranking my own kids like a depth chart — my oldest has a solid floor but no real ceiling on tantrums, and the youngest is pure upside if he ever sleeps. The waiver wire for a kid who eats vegetables is apparently empty.
My actual paperwork this week was a school trip consent form that had to come back as a printed page, plus a pile of expense receipts for reimbursement. I took phone photos on the kitchen counter and ran them through LensUp, a browser-based scan to PDF tool, to get one tidy file I could email. The compression aims at the size you pick and can land a bit over, so I checked the upload before sending. Files stay on the device, which I liked since one receipt had my card number on it.
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This article perfectly captures the hilarious chaos of fantasy football and parenting! I can just imagine the draft for “Fantasy Parenting” – a kid who sleeps until 10 AM is definitely a top-tier pick. It reminds me of how my Granny always said a good night’s sleep was the best medicine for everyone, especially tired parents! Such a fun read!
i love this post! Wacky Steps maybe turns the simplest action imaginable — taking a step — into a chaotic, hilarious, and irresistible challenge. You don’t “beat” the game; you just try to survive one step at a time.
This made me laugh because parenting really does feel like fantasy sports: unpredictable, exhausting, and occasionally rewarding. My toddler once slept through dinner, and I briefly considered it a championship performance. I also agree that every family has its own “league settings,” so comparisons are pointless. For a lighthearted break, I sometimes browse Fnaf, especially when I want something entertaining after bedtime chaos. Just remember, no strategy guarantees a tantrum-free season!
The fantasy-parenting draft is a funny twist on fantasy football, especially because the qualities that make a dream draft pick rarely match the unpredictable reality of raising kids.
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Your expertise on this subject shines through in this post.