For some reason I occasionally catch the parody bug, like a younger, better-looking Weird Al.
Today, I happened upon the classic “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” poem, and decided to give it the old Dad and Buried spin.
It’s a bit of a lark, but after a weekend of traveling, shopping, family and general holiday stress, I’m in the mood for a lark. I hope you are too. But I don’t blame you if you’re not.
A Slightly More Realistic Take on “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas”
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through our place
Not a toddler was stirring, not even whatshisface
Of course, I’m just joking, I know my kid’s name
And he’s wide awake, are you fucking insane?
He’s way too excited to have gone to sleep,
He’s three-fucking-years-old, he’s practicing leaps!
I’m serious, he’s jumping, right off of the couch,
While I sit here and brace for his impending “ouch!”
I thought this was when kids should be in bed,
With plums or some shit all up in their heads
Mama IS in her ‘kerchief, I can tell you that
But if you think we’re sleeping, you don’t have any brats
There will be a huge clatter, but not on the lawn
It’ll be in the attic, away from my spawn
I’ll be up there later, bringing everything down
All of the gifts making our bank account drown
I hope I don’t trip, I’m on a bit of a binge
Tomorrow I’ll prolly wake up with the spins
But right now I’m watching my kid act a fool
If he doesn’t sleep soon I may lose my cool
And the myth of old Santa will then be destroyed
By a dad who’s frustrated with his little boy
I’ll get out the presents, right in my son’s face
“THERE IS NO SANTA! NOW GET IN YOUR PJS!”
I’ll redeem myself once the kid passes out
And I use my man skills (despite my wife’s doubts)
I’ll assemble the bike and arrange all the boxes
I just hope before then I don’t run out of toxins
But what to my wondering eyes do appear?
My bro walking in with a new case of beer!
I’m glad he’s arrived, I’m at the end of my rope
With my brother here, it’s easier to cope
I crack a new beer cuz I get to sit back
Best part about uncles? They pick up the slack!
Soon my kid will sleep, down like a log
And I’ll move from beer to some creamy egg nog
If you think having children made me a teetotaler
Then you must not have kids, cuz you’d never be sober
So while some things have changed, many things haven’t
No, I never before had to sit through a pageant
But I still like to drink, it’s how I survive
Especially on Christmas, once the family arrives
Now Christmas has gone from getting to giving
It’s not for the dying, it’s for the new living
That includes our dear kids, who don’t always deserve it
But they get what they want and we get to get shitted
My hangover will suck but Christmas will delight, so
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”
6 thoughts on “A Slightly-More-Realistic Christmas Poem”
A real poet you are. Well, in the Al Y. mode.
Anyway, this was great – so funny. I hope the family has a great holiday and whatshisface enjoys the bike.
great issues altogether, you simply won a new reader.
What might you recommend in regards to your put up that you just
made a few days ago? Any certain?
Also visit my web page – http://face365a1.com/
My partner and I stumbled over here from a different website and thought I might as well check things
out. I like what I see so now i’m following you. Look forward to
looking over your web page for a second time.
Here is my blog :: improve teeth health – Josef –
Just want to say I’m glad that i came on the page!.
I hope the family has a great holiday and whatshisface enjoy the bike. I like what I see so now I’m following you. Look forward to looking over your web page for a second time. It’s a bit of a lark, but after a weekend of traveling, shopping, family, and general holiday stress, I’m in the mood for a lark. great issues altogether, you simply won a new reader.
Christmastime in London is the perfect time of year to take a trip back to Christmas. The weather is wonderful and the crowds are smaller than usual, which means that Christmas dinner can be enjoyed at smaller tables and in the comfort of your own home. There are also more freedom and flexibility to how you wish to spend your Christmastime holiday this year. As you can probably imagine many people like to treat their loved ones to a Christmastime break while they are here in London so finding somewhere to stay can be a little tricky. Finding accommodation for your Christmastime break in London may seem like a daunting task, but if you look hard enough you can find the perfect Christmastime break in London accommodation for you and your family.