Threenage Wasteland

By now, everyone knows the “terrible twos” are a myth.

Okay, maybe not a myth, because I’m sure they suck for many parents, but for many other parents, like Yours Truly, it’s year number three that proves to be far more harrowing.

Mom and Buried and I are now halfway through this “threenage wasteland” and we can’t wait for it to end.

Which, presumably, will be when he turns four, right? Unless there’s already some clever phrase for our son to live up to for that year, like the FOUR-ror Show.

Or maybe something better. Shut up.

threenager, raisedbymydaughter, raised by my daughter, the who, threenager, parenting, parenthood, toddlers, kids, moms, dads, stress, life, family, music, parodyI was worried I wouldn’t be able to handle an infant. But my kid’s baby days were a breeze.

By the time he was one-and-a-half and able to walk, things got more interesting, but even then, most of the stress he was causing was indirect. I mean, it wasn’t his fault I shit my pants every time he fell down. (Nor was it his fault he shit his pants every time he fell down.)

When he turned two, we braced ourselves. But he was a happy guy at two! His developing vocabulary was more funny than feisty, and his personality remained laid-back and startlingly adaptive. Tantrums were minimal. We hit his third birthday and we were confident we’d made it.

And then the devil entered his body. No projectile vomit but he did piss on the floor a few times.

The last 6 months have been the toughest part of our parenting journey so far. Which, a moody, defiant toddler who won’t eat his dinner and screams every time you tell him no or don’t let him open the door or want him to go to bed, is pretty small peanuts. But it might as well be a walnut compared to what his so-called terrible twos were like.threenager, raisedbymydaughter, raised by my daughter, the who, threenager, parenting, parenthood, toddlers, kids, moms, dads, stress, life, family, music, parody

The emerging awareness of the “threenager” phase has been written about at length and aside from some creative uses of swears and insults, I’m not sure I have much to add.

So I made a theme song! That’s right, another song parody! Sorry, but this one was just too easy to pass up. There’s also some decent synchronicity at work, as the cover of the album the original song appears on showcases inappropriate urination, and the band itself is known for breaking things. So they have a lot in common with toddlers.

“Baby O’Riley”
Melody by The Who
Words and lyrics by Dad and Buried

Out here with the feels
I whine about my meals
I don’t know jack about life-living.
I don’t need to fight
But that’s all I like
and I know I will be forgiven.
Wah wah wah wah wah wah

There’s no why
For my nonstop cry
It’s only threenage wasteland

Daddy, take my hand
Or I’ll just whine higher
and I won’t get in the stroller
The impetus ain’t clear
It’s not sadness or fear
Just a storm you must weather
Until I get much older

Threenage wasteland
You’re in my threenage wasteland.
Threenage wasteland
Oh, yeah
Threenage wasteland
So just face it!


And now, to cleanse the palate, the original:

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7 thoughts on “Threenage Wasteland

  1. As of a few weeks ago, mine is now four years old. There was something about three for us that was just a bit unstable, like a three-legged stool. Now at four, I hope things even out a bit. In any event, she’s stopped evacuating her bowels on our floors, so that’s nice.

    1. Well, the bowel control is definitely a perk. And I’m hoping for a smoother ride when my kid turns 4.

      But in truth, these so-called age stages seem like a lot of bunk. Every kid is different. Sure, they learn stuff at a relatively comparable pace, so it’s easy enough to ballpark when their emotional development will be most obviously lagging behind, but the truth is, nobody knows. for example, I’m experiencing my “terrible twos” now, and I’m 37!

  2. I really, really hate to do this to you….but 4 frequently has ME whimpering in the corner. They’re smarter, faster, stronger, and still a-holes. And all traces of the adorable chubby toddler are gone. May the force be with you.

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