Everyone is always talking about how having kids changes your perspective on things.

They say that when you experience life through the eyes of your innocent children, you appreciate the little things so much more. And I suppose it’s true.

But kids change everything in your life, not merely the way you look at it.

One of the most insidious ways having children alters your life is that it rejiggers your comfort level. It alters your standards. Things you wouldn’t have been caught doing in your pre-parent life become the norm. Outrageous behavior becomes a way of life.

Your younger self wouldn’t even recognize you. And if s/he did, s/he’d think you were a TREMENDOUS loser.

Here’s a little before-and-after list of the ways kids change everything in your life.

At a restaurant before kids: “It’s awfully loud in here, do you want to leave?”
At a restaurant after kids: “Thank God it’s so loud, no one can hear their screaming!”

On a road trip before kids: “Careful with your soda, babe, I just got the car detailed.”
On a road trip after kids: *tosses Doritos and a bunch of juice boxes in the backseat* “Now shut up!”

Going to the movies before kids: “I can’t wait to get the movie theater popcorn! There’s nothing like it!” *finishes popcorn during previews* *gets more* “Extra butter please!”
Going to the movies after kids: *spend twenty minutes preparing microwave popcorn and shoving sodas in our pockets* “Eight dollars for Junior Mints? Please. This is already costing us $100 bucks. And we’ve missed the previews!”

Friday night before kids: *blacks out* wakes up Saturday morning* Where am I? *pukes* *grabs a beer* “ROCK AND ROLL!”
Friday night after kids: *wakes up during the credits of The Croods* “God I love sleeping.”

Having friends over before kids: *spend all day cleaning* “The place is spotless. We’re finally ready for guests.”
Having friends over after kids: “I wouldn’t sit there if I were you… A coaster? HAHAHAHAHA!… Go ahead. I’m pretty sure that’s just chocolate.”

Weekday mornings before kids: *hits snooze* *hits snooze* *hits snooze* The boss won’t notice if I’m a little late. *hits snooze*
Weekday mornings after kids: *wakes up at an hour before alarm goes off* I FORGOT TO MAKE HIS LUNCH! WHERE’S HIS BACKPACK? SO HELP ME GOD IF HE MISSES THE DAMN BUS!

Weekend mornings before kids: *HOURS OF BLISSFUL NOTHINGNESS* “I love my life!”
Weekend mornings after kids: *gets kneed in the balls at 5:30am* “At least I made it past 5!”

Going out before kids: *Considers multiple outfits* *Takes leisurely shower* *Makes drink* *listens to music* *gets ready* *heads out the door at 11PM* “LET’S DO THIS!”
Going out after kids: *totally forgets about plans until babysitter arrives* *throws on smock* *rushes out* *gets home an hour later* “I’M GOING TO BED!”