My six-year-old won’t be watching the first presidential debate tonight because a) he’s six and b) he doesn’t need to hear the terrible things people will say during the debate, and by “people” I mean me and by “terrible things” I mean the filthy words I will be yelling at the screen every time Trump speaks.

In a perfect world, Donald Trump will get crushed in November and retreat back to one of his gross hotels, never to be seen again except all the time everywhere because he is a craven opportunist with absolutely no shame and the media worships him. But that’s fine, he can have his TV appearances, so long as I never have to explain to my kids why a misogynistic bigot is President of the United States.

But it’s possible, and in order to be prepared for that possibility, I’ve begun trying to think of ways to explain President Trump in terms my six-year-old can understand.

If Donald Trump is elected President in a few months, at least one of my kids will eventually be old enough to require such an explanation – and if he were to get elected twice, both of my kids will need to know what’s happening why the country we no longer live in is so stupid.

So I broke it down for them.

How To Explain Trump To Kids

• “You know that kid on the playground who keeps climbing up the front of the slide and refusing to let anyone else slide down for no reason other than to be a jerk? That’s Trump.”
• “Remember that time you accidentally hit another kid in the face with your plastic sword and I yelled at you and you started crying out of fear and guilt but then you apologized to your friend and to me and you couldn’t stop crying because you felt so bad? Trump is the opposite of that.”
• “You know the evil Emperor Palpatine from Return of the Jedi? He’d make a better president than this rancid hate-bucket of ignorant bigotry and never-ending self-congratulation.”
• “Remember that time we ordered Thai food and you took a bite and then your throat started to hurt and you got sick because there was cashew in it and you’re allergic to tree nuts and Mommy and I panicked and then the doctor said that you were okay but we were right to panic and that next time it will be worse? That’s Trump’s candidacy.”
• “You know the kid who borrows your toy, immediately breaks it, then gives it back to you and says it was broken when you gave it to him and then calls you a loser? Donald Trump is that kid.”
• “Remember when you swallowed a penny and Daddy had to spend the next week sifting through your poop to try to find it and when I finally did it was kind of exciting and funny because it was so ridiculous but that then I remembered it was just a shiny copper thing covered in shit? #Trump2016!”
• “You know how suddenly having a baby around means you get a little less attention and sometimes have to share your favorite things and it’s not always easy but you’re a good person and you the kid so you are always willing to make sacrifices to help him even though it makes things a little harder for you? Trump has never and will never do that.”
• “Remember the other day at the playground when that bully said, ‘I don’t care about you. I only care about me!’ Imagine if that kid ran the country.”
• “You know when we watched Big Hero Six and the bad guy showed up and tried to hurt the good guys and it scared you and you screamed ‘I don’t like this anymore!’ That’s how I feel about this election.”
• “Remember when you stepped in dog poop the other day? Guess who!”
• “You know when your baby brother gets ahold of one of your toys and just drools all over it and spits up on it and breaks it into pieces because he doesn’t understand it and has no business playing with something so complex, fragile, and important to you? That’s why your Mom and I are voting for Hillary.”

If you’re annoyed that I’m talking politics on my blog? Sorry, but I’ve covered this.

If you’re annoyed that I’m bashing Trump? Sorry, covered that too.

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