What Your Kids Don’t Know May Kill You

No comments

Kids are dumb. Everyone knows that!

It’s not their fault, at least not at first. Everyone is born a blank slate. Kids don’t know anything. It’s our job as parents to clue them in to all of it. Even the obvious stuff.

This isn’t news. Not a single one of us has ever met a baby who could hold a conversation worth a damn.

parents, stupid toddler, tricks, baby proofing, parenting, dad and buried, fatherhood, kids, genius, gifted, iq test, children, family, moms, motherhood, funny, dad bloggers, gifted, mommy bloggers, humor, learning, education, kids, popsugarA little knowledge can be a dangerous thing for a toddler or even a tween. But absolutely zero knowledge is even worse.

There are so many things that we as adults take for granted, basic ideas that seem elemental, that you can’t possibly navigate or even simply survive the world without knowing. After (hopefully) twenty to thirty years of life before you have a kid, it’s easy to forget that you didn’t always know that stuff either.

Some of the common sense things we have to teach our children are so obvious, to even the most brain-dead among us, that when our kids don’t grasp them it boggles the mind. And watching them fumble around, their blissful ignorance causing near-disasters every five minutes, is nerve-wracking as all get out.

Ignorance is only blissful for the ignorant. The stress from dealing with all the things our kids don’t know may end up killing us.

Obvious Things Kids Don’t Know

  • Dirt Is Dirty – Not the cool Xtina kind of dirrty either. I’m talking GET OFF THE COUCH BEFORE IT’S RUINED oh wait too late! kind of dirty. Sigh. Go wash your face for once, you look like a chimney sweep.

  • Dirty Clothes Smell – You can’t wear the same underwear three days in a row. Or the same socks. I will literally bathe you in tomato sauce tp get the stink off. Well, your mother will. That’s gross.

  • Everyone Needs Sleep – Human beings need rest or their bodies don’t work right, and their minds don’t work right, and they get grumpy and short-tempered. Especially Mommy and Daddy, which means if you don’t get to bed ASAP, the shit is going to hit the fan.

  • Babies Are Fragile – You can’t tackle your brother for at least another year. Dude’s head is still soft!

  • Food Goes Bad – You can’t just leave half-eaten food in your bedroom for two weeks. This goes triple for milk. Oh my god I opened your cup and literally thought a bomb had gone off. GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS!

  • Fire Is Hot – It will burn you.

  • Bones Are Breakable – You are not Superman. You are not Wolverine. If you jump off the couch onto the table, something will break. And I don’t mean the table.

  • Poison Is Poisonous – I mean…

  • Danger Is Dangerous – Getting hit by a car will hurt. Falling down the stairs will hurt. Throwing something at someone’s face will hurt. Be careful out there.

  • Nothing Is Free – Life is expensive. If you want a new toy or a new video game, you’d better grow that YouTube channel FAST.

  • You Can’t Always Get What You Want – Nobody gets everything they want. And just saying “but I want it!” is not a valid reason for us to buy you something or to let you watch another show or to give you more dessert or to let you sleep in our bed or to let you skip school. Screaming is also not an effective argument.

  • I Said Screaming Is Not An Effective Argument! – Please kill me.

  • Everyone Needs To Eat – Holy crap I can’t believe this list exists.

  • Magic Isn’t Real – Except for Santa and the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny and some people believe in God and you can do anything you put your mind to.

Okay,that last one might be our fault.


Print page