I love to complain. Especially about my kids.

Parenting is a never-ending hellscape of stress and headaches, and as such it offers plenty of fodder for whining. God knows I do a lot of it.

That said, even I am sick of some of the typical rants. It’s time for parents to shut up about some of this stuff.

Ten Things Parents Need to Shut Up About

• Being Tired – Just because this is true doesn’t make it less annoying. We’re all tired. Even non-parents! Especially those of us who are paying attention to current events. Being tired is just part of the deal, we can stop saying it now! (Not that I will. I have a lot of channels to fill with content! But you should.)
• Being Broke – Again, this was what you signed up for. Stop whining about it. If it bugs you so much, just sell one of your kids.
• Messy House/Car – OMG the messes. My car is like a landfill with tires. But every parent’s car is pretty gross, and not only that, I don’t want details about the smell of weeks-old milk emanating from your back seat. TMI!
• Lack of Privacy – Oh, your kids hug you when you’re on the toilet? And bother you when you’re in the shower? And crowd into your bed when you’re trying to sleep? GET STRONGER LOCKS. And cages. And condoms.
• Homework – Hearing about your kids’ homework is about as fun as hearing about your fantasy team. I know how much it sucks, mine does too. Hopefully it will be abolished soon because all it does is cause stress and ruin the limited amount of time you have with your family. And yes, the fantasy football analogy still holds true.
• Grandparents – Oh, your parents love to give your kids all sorts of candy and toys and stuff you don’t have to pay for? Boo hoo! And aren’t these the same people who gladly take your children for the weekend so you can have a staycation or go spend the weekend in New Orleans? Shut up, I hate you.
• Caillou – WE GET IT. He’s whiny. So are you, whenever you talk about Caillou! It’s 2018. Can we move on to talking shit about You Tubers now? I’ll start: I will probably eventually get arrested for beating PrestonPlayz with a sack of oranges.
• Things Getting Harder Later – I can’t stand being threatened with the future. I am well aware that every new age or stage or grade or phase brings new, far more horrible challenges. But hearing “just wait” or receiving a condescending chuckle just makes me want to burn things. So spare me.
• Growing Up Fast – Telling me how fast it goes is just another threat. Couch it in “live in the moment” encouragement all you want, we all know what you’re doing. “You’ll miss this!” So what. It sucks right now so shut up.
• Non-parents – To be fair to the group I’m currently in the middle of bashing, non-parents complain about parents a lot more than the opposite happens. But at least their reasons are understandable! Parents often get special treatment and tend to have an over-inflated sense of importance, and people who don’t have kids, whether by choice or circumstance, find that obnoxious. As for us, we should treasure our non-parent friends! They offer us a glimpse of the promised land, a life without the world’s most stressful, and expensive, and exhausting accessory! They give us someone to crash with when our spouse has the kids, someone to remind us of what it was like to go to concerts and movies and sleep til noon. Someone to live vicariously though. I love my childfree friends! Stop being bitter and get some of your own. It’s good for you! And who knows, sometimes they might even babysit!

Most of these complaints are valid, and far be it from me to scold anyone for bitching about their kids. But it’s time we lay some of these old chestnuts to rest and focus on some new stuff. God knows there are plenty of other topics that have yet to be plundered so deeply.

Did I mention how much I hate PrestonPlayz?