19 Sep

Dad and Buried Posted in Drinking 3 comments

Six Ways Having Kids is Like Not Having Kids

Although I’m a firm believer that having kids doesn’t have to change your life entirely, it definitely does change it. Just not that much, not if you don’t want it to. My blog is proof that you can keep your questionable personality and hateful sense of humor when you become a parent; you just have to try!

I didn’t stop being a sarcastic jerk when my son was born, even though I quite sincerely love him with all my blackened heart. And I didn’t stop drinking, or going out to eat with my wife, or watching the TV shows I like and the sports I love. In many ways, being a dad is a lot like not being one.

I made a list of some of them.

13 Sep

Dad and Buried Posted in Advice 4 comments

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed! – Volume 7

Here’s the thing, people: when I say I’m a parenting expert, I’m being sarcastic. If you’ve read my blog, you know what I think about the idea that anyone can be an “expert” parent. It’s hogwash. It’s all a gamble.

I should have known that my sarcasm might backfire, especially since it’s been happening my entire life. But here we are, with the seventh installment of my advice series, and this time I got a lot of questions. Serious questions. Difficult questions. And I have no choice but to give them a shot.

Just remember, I’m a clown. A buffoon. I’m no more qualified to tell you how to raise your kids than Britney Spears or Dr. Phil. So remember, while some of my responses will likely contain some good ideas and an occasional bit of insight, apply my advice at your own risk. I WRITE JOKES.

Got it? Good. Now let’s go ruin some lives.

02 Sep

Dad and Buried Posted in Fear 2 comments

Touch Me, I’m Slick

Here’s the problem with smart phones and tablets and all the other fun, exciting new technology that is taking over our lives. Well, the problem besides the fact that they are taking over our lives.

The very technology that makes them fun, exciting and cool to us also makes them fun and exciting and cool to our children.

Next thing you know, your kids are pawing at your most expensive possessions. And it’s giving you an ulcer.

Read more about Touch Me, I’m Slick …

22 Aug

Dad and Buried Posted in discipline 6 comments

Toddlers Are Assholes

My kid has been a real punk lately.

When your kids are at their most trying, it can make even the most seasoned parent question themselves. I say don’t. Especially if you’re parenting a toddler.

Toddlers are assholes and there’s not much you can do about it. Don’t let them bring you down.

Read more about Toddlers Are Assholes …

08 Aug

Dad and Buried Posted in Fear 33 comments

Ten Ways Having a Toddler is Like Being in Prison

As a parent, your schedule is often dictated by the needs of your child, especially when that child is young.

The necessity of getting a toddler home for a nap – as well as the need to get them to bed for the night before the sun has even gone down – can cripple your day. Being sequestered in your home for a few hours is usually better than dealing with a public meltdown from an overtired toddler, so sometimes the trade-off is worth it. Still, raising a toddler can be rather suffocating.

In fact, it’s uncanny how many aspects of the parenting experience are reminiscent of prison. Complete with a sadistic little warden who harbors a Napoleon complex.

Dad and Buried

Category: Fear

Six Ways Having Kids is Like Not Having Kids

Like this:

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed! – Volume 7

Like this:

Touch Me, I’m Slick

Like this:

Toddlers Are Assholes

Like this:

Ten Ways Having a Toddler is Like Being in Prison

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this: