08 Apr

Dad and Buried Posted in Advice One comment

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed! – Volume 13

I have two kids now. I’ve never been more of an expert on what it takes to be exhausted and annoyed 24/7.

Which makes today the perfect time for another round of my unprofessional, ill-considered, potentially criminal parenting advice! (Check out all of the previous installments.)

And I actually got a handful of solid questions! Too solid, really. It was a struggle to make fun of them! It’s almost like you people are starting to take me seriously. STOP IT.

07 Apr

Dad and Buried Posted in marriage One comment

Don’t Put Up, Shut Up

Yesterday was #WomanCrushWednesday, the one day a week when Instagram users are allowed to share a photo of a woman they want to have sex with. (I don’t actually know the official premise of the stupid theme.) I shared a photo of Mom and Buried, been there, done that! YEAH BOYEEEEEEEEE!

I chose a picture in which she looks really pretty, she’s clearly very happy, and is doing something mom-related because I’m nothing if not consistently ON BRAND. I also chose a picture in which her face is partially obscured, because a little anonymity is good and also it’s hilarious to constantly obscure her face. (Did you see the birthday pic I posted?)

She may not think it’s hilarious, but she knows who she married. She’s used to putting up with me.

Read more about Don’t Put Up, Shut Up …

04 Apr

Dad and Buried Posted in Babies 3 comments

The Birthday Party Nightmare

I guess I’m a party pooper. My son turned five in September, and as usual, my wife threw him an elaborate and expensive birthday party, complete with a theme, of course. Now that we have another kid to celebrate, the birthday party nightmare is only going to get worse.

When Detective Munch turned one, it was a circus theme. For two, it was Yo Gabba Gabba! At three, it was all about trains, and at four, he and his friends got capes and dressed as superheroes. This time around, it was a pirate-themed affair, complete with invitations that looked like—and were actually burned at the edges to look like—old treasure maps, a corresponding treasure hunt, and plastic swords and eye-patches for all the scurvy little dogs to take home and subsequently use to terrorize their parents.

It was fun. My son had fun, his friends had fun, everyone had fun. Even the adults! (We provided beer and mimosas because WE’RE NOT MONSTERS.) That doesn’t mean I want to do it again.

31 Mar

Dad and Buried Posted in holidays 2 comments

Just Watch It

On Easter Sunday, or, as I like to call it, Spring Christmas, my son got approximately thirty different baskets full of candy and toys.

It’s understandable that my family, which is largely devoid of small children to spoil, is so enthusiastic about doting on my five-year-old. But that doesn’t make his ridiculous bounty any easier to stomach. When I was a kid, I got some chocolate, some peeps, and a stupid kite. My son got an unhealthy amount of Cadbury eggs, enough Peeps to caulk a bathtub, and several LEGO sets.

To add insult to injury, I was forced to assemble the sets. It did not go well.

The Five Stages of Throwing a Fit

Kids aren’t good at very many things, but they are good at going berserk on their parents for no reason.

After a while, you get used to their antics, and learn enough about their irrational ways that you can properly anticipate, and safely weather, one of their outbursts.

If you’re not yet schooled in the five stages of throwing a fit, don’t worry. I’m here to help.

Dad and Buried

Tag: humor

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed! – Volume 13

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Don’t Put Up, Shut Up

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The Birthday Party Nightmare

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Just Watch It

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The Five Stages of Throwing a Fit

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