Bad Teacher

Usually the father I talk about on my blog is Yours Truly because, let’s face it, that guy is fascinating. But seeing as today is Father’s Day, and I’ve only been a dad for three and a half hellish and interminable years, we’re going to talk about someone far more boring: my dad.

My father is a veteran of the daddy wars, having raised three kids (if you can say that any guy whose wife gave birth to children in the ’60s and ’70s actually “raised” anyone, which we know you can’t since we’ve all seen Mad Men and good dads are an entirely 21st century construct. I’m just glad he quit smoking cigarettes before I was born).

Like most fathers, he was determined to mold me and my brothers into well-rounded, compassionate, successful, miniature versions of himself. (Because what is having children if not the ultimate example of narcissism?) And that required some teaching.

In honor of Father’s Day, I’m going to talk about some of the lessons my father brought to bear during his ongoing tenure as my dad. Lessons that, unfortunately, I failed to absorb even a little bit.

Dadding Practice

Before he was even a twinkle in my eye, I had some ideas about what I wanted to teach my hypothetical son. Most of us do; without necessarily meaning to, we all take stock of what worked for us as kids, what we vow never to do as parents, what values we consider most important, etc. When you finally have children of your own, it’s a bit of a thrill to realize just how important you are to them, and how much influence you have over their development.

But my son is only two; it’s a bit early to tell him to always wear a rubber and when to double down. He needs to be able to swing off a tee before I can toss any real heat his way. But that doesn’t stop me from occasionally buzzing one by his ear.

Parenting Skills I Wish I Didn’t Have

When you become a parent, you suddenly need to learn a whole new set of skills.

You’ll be doing things you never thought possible, things for which your pre-baby life never prepared you. The good news is you’ll pick them up pretty quickly. The bad news is that this particular set of skills changes you. It’s impossible to be a halfway decent mom or dad without becoming a slightly lamer person. The evolution is both impressive and soul-crushing.

Many of the skills I’ve acquired are quite useful and, without them, I’d be adrift as a parent. Skills like diaper-changing and baby-holding and swaddling and so on.

Unfortunately, many more of them are skills I wish I hadn’t acquired. Because while they may make me a better parent, they also take me further and further away from my pre-parent self.

Dad and Buried

Tag: lessons

Bad Teacher

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Dadding Practice

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Parenting Skills I Wish I Didn’t Have

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