Top 10 Things About Being A Dad That I’m Looking Forward To

Yesterday I listed all the stuff I need to learn about babies so I don’t inadvertently flush my heir down the toilet or something.

As I said, the depth of my ignorance is terrifying. But once you get past all the ways in which I could easily kill or cripple my own child, there’s a bunch of stuff that will probably be pretty fun.

So I’ve made another list!

  1. I’ll finally own some property. It’s not real estate, but it’s something! And white babies are worth a TON.
  2. As a lifelong fan of cults, it will be nice to have my first disciple. Stay tuned for a list of things I will be brainwashing my son into believing teaching my son.
  3. A valid reason to watch “SpongeBob SquarePants.” I’ve hardly ever seen the show, but something about it intrigues me. I think it’s the starfish character. I like his voice. And he looks delicious.
  4. Purposefully causing strangers to stare by pretending to teach my baby terrible things: “Hail Satan! His power is stronger than stronger! His might will last LONGER THAN LONGER!”
  5. Actually teaching him terrible things.
  6. Forcing him to wear shirts with logos of bands I like.
  7. Forcing him to wear shirts with logos of teams I like.
  8. Building up a resistance to vomit. Finally, I shall conquer the beast.
  9. An unassailable excuse to get out of any and all things. “Sorry, I can’t make it, I HAVE A FUCKING BABY.”
  10. Really, the first ten years should be pretty cool. The fifteen after that, not so much. But once he’s 21 or so? Smooth sailing! Not long after that I’ll be in a nursing home/ripped-on-heroin-at-all-times, so who cares?

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