Ten Ways Having a Toddler is Like Being in Prison

As a parent, your schedule is often dictated by the needs of your child, especially when that child is young.

The necessity of getting a toddler home for a nap – as well as the need to get them to bed for the night before the sun has even gone down – can cripple your day. Being sequestered in your home for a few hours is usually better than dealing with a public meltdown from an overtired toddler, so sometimes the trade-off is worth it. Still, raising a toddler can be rather suffocating.

In fact, it’s uncanny how many aspects of the parenting experience are reminiscent of prison. Complete with a sadistic little warden who harbors a Napoleon complex.

Ten Ways Having a Toddler is Like Being in Prison

  • You can’t do anything without constant supervision
  • Every morning begins with someone screaming at you to wake up
  • You’re always terrified something bad will happen when you’re in the shower
  • You’re always terrified someone is going to crawl into your bed in the middle of the night
  • Meal time is fraught with tension
  • Someone’s always watching you go to the bathroom
  • You never get to choose the movie and then it’s hard to hear it over all the hooting and hollering
  • You’re always terrified someone is going to punch, bite, tackle, stab or attack you with some kind of makeshift weapon
  • Contraband – like booze, chocolate and adult entertainment – must be smuggled in and consumed in secret
  • Conjugal visits are hard to come by, require intense scheduling, and are often interrupted

BONUS: One Way Having a Toddler is NOT Like Being in Prison

  • Being placed in solitary confinement is a reward, not a punishment

The biggest similarity between prison and parenting? There is NO ESCAPE. In fact, you often crawl through miles of shit-smelling foulness without any payoff at all.

And parole ain’t for 18 years.


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29 thoughts on “Ten Ways Having a Toddler is Like Being in Prison

  1. This is fantastic!! The best part of all is we chose this life! But I wouldn’t change it. Baby jail can be fun.

  2. Good Lord if you can’t find the humor in this article why are you even reading this blog/article?

    Seriously. Go somewhere else Debbie Downers

  3. Incredible, amazing weblog structure! Precisely how very long have you ever been posting regarding? you’ve made writing a blog view effortless. Your entire search within your web page is very useful, not to the content materials!

  4. Brilliant. Absolutely loved it and my wife and I just found your blog today and have been snorting with laughter.

  5. 18 years….OR LONGER! Yikes!! I loved this post! It hit waaaaay too close to home, and I don’t even have a TODDLER anymore! Uh oh! I am doomed.

    Thanks for linking up at #BlogDiggity today! I hope to see you back again next week!

  6. You really summed up that “trapped” feeling! Such a humorous post and if someone doesn’t get that, they must be having REAL prison flashbacks! Geez! I enjoyed this read! Thanks for linking up with Blogdiggity!

  7. You’re comparing having a child to the constant fear of rape in prison (points three and four)? That’s so gross.

  8. Errr, Alison, I think you didn’t understand.

    The comparison is on bad things happening when you take a shower. If you’re in prison: yes, it’s about rape. When you have toddlers: it’s about your kids breaking something, falling from bed, the fence or any other high place, getting in trouble, being chased by an elephant… everything is possible.

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