(Driving Me) Mad Skills

My son is closing in on his third birthday, and he seems to be developing at an astonishing rate.

I’m not much for tracking development via checkpoints and milestones, but hardly more than a day goes by that I’m not impressed by something he says or does.

Unfortunately, not every ability he acquires is something to write home about. He’s good at a lot of things, but some of the things he’s good at are bad.

The problem with kids is they learn how to do things before they know why they should or shouldn’t do them. My kid is great at swinging his toy baseball bat, and I’m proud of his coordination, except when he’s coordinating his bat into my head, or the TV, or that glass of wine Mom and Buried is drinking.

Of course, sometimes the stuff he can do is not good in any context.Here is a list of some of the other stuff my son excels at but that we likely won’t be putting on his college application.

  • Not Listening – He’s gonna make great husband material.
  • Making a Mess – He does it without even trying. Where are the Toddler Olympics when you need them?
  • Waiting Until He Pees His Pants to Tell Us He Has to Go Potty – Pretty sure he does it just to screw with me.
  • Being Loud – It’s hard to teach someone the difference between their “inside” voice and their “outside” voice when they don’t know the difference between inside and outside.
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  • Taking Terrible Photos – The kid can operate an iPhone like nobody’s business, but his photographic eye is as yet untrained. Witness the photo he took of his lovey.
  • Picking His Nose – I thought eating boogers was an urban legend. I was so naive.
  • Accidentally Kneeing Me/Kicking Me/Punching Me/Headbutting Me in the Crotch – At least I hope it’s accidental. If it’s not, I’m legitimately scared.

Maybe I’m being hard on him. I mean, he’s not even three, what is he supposed to be good at? I bet if the Toddler Olympics actually existed, the events would include these skills. And he’d dominate like he’s on steroids.

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14 thoughts on “(Driving Me) Mad Skills

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