Mom and Buried is obsessed with Christmas.
Every December, she puts together a long list of holiday-based activities that we absolutely have to make time for, including visiting specific landmarks (the tree in Rock Center), attending specific events (Santa – at the busiest Macy’s in the world) and watching every single Christmas movie and TV special (even the grade-Z stuff on Hallmark and Lifetime).
The most important activity of all? Listening to Christmas music.
As soon as Thanksgiving (which has its own set of obligations) is over, it’s all Christmas music all the time. When I come home from work, it’s on. When we’re cooking dinner or eating dinner or cleaning up after dinner, it’s on. And it will continue to be on until Christmas Day.
The problem is, we only have room for so many so many Christmas songs on our iPods. She needs more. She always needs more. So I told her about Tune In. And now I’m in jingle hell.
Last week I wrote about how I use the TuneIn app to torture myself by listening to Boston College lose various sporting events. Today I’m writing about how I’m using it to torture myself with nonstop Christmas music. At my suggestion, my wife downloaded the app and immediately searched “Christmas” and welcome to my nightmare. WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
There are countless stations devoted to Christmas music, all month long. One of them is actually called “All Christmas All the Time” which, if I remember correctly, is what my wife initially wanted to name our son. Now she has access to every Christmas song ever recorded, by nearly every singer to ever have a record deal. It’s endless. How many versions of “Pretty Paper” does a person really need?
The good news is I still have the app on my phone, so I can throw on my headphones and listen to Miami sports talk and relive the 100th time my favorite NFL team blew their season, or maybe listen to some comedy to help myself forget that all my favorite football teams keep choking. I’m so desperate, I might even throw on one of TuneIn’s 55 women’s college basketball channels, just to escape. DON’T TEST ME!
That’s how badly I need a break from the Nat King Cole and the Chipmunks and Amy Grant and N’Sync and The Waitresses (actually, I’m good with the Waitresses. I’m not a total Grinch; that’s a great song! I like the Boss’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” too. And “Hard Candy Christmas” by Dolly Parton. Those are solid. The first 200 times, at least.)
I was hoping to have an ally in my “too much Christmas music!” crusade, but as you can see in the picture below, my son is firmly aligned with his mom. I am on a disgruntled island, forced to suffer in silence. Just not in actual silence, because I made the mistake of pointing my wife to TuneIn, and now she is blasting Christmas music so loud I can’t even hear the death metal station I found on my app.
What? I browsed every station I could find – there are a TON – and Cannibal Corpse is about as far from Christmas as you can get.