Christmas is coming, which gives us all a chance to show our families and friends how much we love them through the joyful act of giving, and receiving, gifts.
It also allows the cruel and vindictive people in our lives to torture us by gleefully providing our children with terrible, terrible toys, whether they’re loud, include hundreds of tiny pieces, require hours of manual labor to assemble, or are just plain annoying.
Sometimes, we parents even do it to ourselves, because indulging our kids is part of the deal. But even so, that doesn’t mean we can’t hold a grudge against the people who created some of these infernal toys to begin with. Which is what I’m about to do.
My son loves music. From the Beatles to, well, mostly The Beatles, and Hamilton, and “Seven Nation Army” and “Eye of the Tiger” and “We Will Rock You” – for someone who has shown little interest in sports, he sure seems to like stadium rock! When I asked him to guess what I was getting him for Christmas (idiotic, I know, but I was distracting him from not getting dessert), he immediately responded with “a drum kit!” Which: NO.
As a part of my partnership with Kronos, I occasionally write about their 1 in 100 Million video series from Kronos. The videos showcase “the personal stories of the people who do the many important and too-often unrecognized jobs we all rely on.” I’ve covered problem solvers, beer testers, diamond something-or-others, all with an eye towards considering which of those occupations might suit my sons. But this month I’m taking the star of their latest video to task. FOR RUINING LIVES.
That would be Paul Francis, the Director of Research and Development at Zildjian Cymbals. Paul is all about that
Some of the drummers he works with are Steve Smith of Journey, Max Weinberg of Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, Joey Kramer of Aerosmith, Steve Gadd of Paul Simon and Steely Dan, Dennis Chambers of Santana and hundreds more. (I can take or leave half the drummers/bands on that list, but if I find out he has been anywhere near the pop-punk genre I swear to God I will burn my Christmas tree to the ground despite the fact that I’d e punishing no one by myself and my family oh well rage isn’t rational!)
Detective Munch likes music, but his real passion is being loud, and making noise, and giving Daddy a headache. If there were awards for kids being kids, he would win the Loud AF award, and when he got up there to accept, he would thank drums. And I would curse them.
I know I can’t entirely blame Paul. He didn’t invent drums, and he didn’t invent kids, he didn’t decide to have kids, he didn’t decide introducing kids to rock music was a good idea, that was all me. But as soon as I saw his name, he drew the short straw. Good for him for marrying his passion for music with his profession, but would it kill the guy to make a cymbal that doesn’t make my nose bleed like I’m Firestarter’s dad? All I want for Christmas is to sound-proof my son’s bedroom and also every single bottle of booze within a fifty mile radius.
According to the video showcasing what he does, his focus is to come up with the right processes where the metal gets manipulated to create the sounds that drummers are looking for. His team is there for the artist to get their iconic sound, you know, that one that once it hits your ears it reverberates for the next sixteen-hours and then you wake up in a ditch.
Anyway, my son ain’t getting no drums this Christmas, cymbals or otherwise. Sorry Paul! Maybe next time you’ll think about someone else before you go dedicating your life to giving parents a headache, you selfish jerk.