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Seven Ways Parenting is Like Fantasy Football

21 Nov parenting, fantasy football, NFL, miami dolphins, adrian peterson, family, lifestyle, sports, stress, kids, children, funny, dad bloggers, dad and buried

I am in the middle of yet another trying fantasy football season. Two of them, actually, since I am participating in two leagues, like some kind of masochist. It’s been 12 weeks of misery, punctuated by occasional spurts of short-lived happiness.

Just like raising kids!

Seriously, parenting and fantasy football aren’t all that different (here’s what a fantasy parenting draft might look like!) There’s a lot of work, you have to pay a lot of attention, and nobody wants to hear about any of it.

I know, you think I’m an idiot. So I made a list!

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25 Ways to Mock Parenting Advice

11 Nov parenting, parenthood, advice, parenting advice, dad and buried, parenting expert, toddlers, stress, discipline, funny, humor, dad bloggers

Mom and Buried sent me a link to a parenting article, as moms do. After promising her I’d read it and then lying that I’d read it! (as dads do!), I quickly went back and actually read it. It was kind of difficult to focus, though, what with all the eye-rolling.

Parenting articles can be frustrating to read, despite the fact that they often contain some truly useful suggestions. All parenting advice is great in theory and in a vacuum; that’s why non-parents love dishing it out.

Of course, in real-life situations, with real-life sociopathic children and real-life at-the-end-of-their-rope parents, it’s not long before your best laid plans explode in your face.

Which is exactly what makes this kind of parenting advice so easy to mock.

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Less Stressful Than Parenting

7 Nov parenting, ecards, someecards, toddlers, stress, threenager, humor, funny, image, dads, moms, parenting, parenthood, stress, terrible twos

This morning I went to the DMV.

I don’t even have to say anything else; you already know how my morning went. Add subway troubles and tax issues to that and you’ll have a decent idea of why my Friday is starting to feel like a Monday.

The good news is that when I get home there’s a decent chance my son will tell me he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore before spending a large chunk of the three hours before he goes to bed screaming and whining and being put in time-out.

Suddenly the DMV doesn’t seem so bad.

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Seven Terrible Halloween Costumes for Kids

27 Oct frozen, elsa, anna, olaf, costume, halloween, disney, parenting, funny, humor, dads, moms, parenthood, dressing up, worst halloween costumes, nightmares, disney, movies, Frozen

My son was born in the middle of September, so when his first Halloween came around, he was barely even a thing yet, let alone someone who might one day want to dress up as Thing. But that didn’t stop Mom and Buried from putting him in a little lion outfit and parading him around the neighborhood, to the delight of everyone because that shit is cute.

When his second Halloween came around, he went as a monkey. We initially tried a skeleton outfit but that did not go over well. To be honest, neither did the monkey, most of the time. But crying and screaming was kind of his thing back then. (Not that that’s changed much.) Last year was his third Halloween, and he was totally on board, chomping at the bit to be Jake the Neverland Pirate.

Finally, it was up to him to choose his costume. And it should always be from now on.

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Ten Things I Hate About Parenting

26 Sep parenting, love/hate, funny, humor, birthday parties, dad blogger, toddlers, children, family, life, lifestyle, dinner time, bedtime, bath time, dads, fatherhood, family vacation

Parenting is the worst thing in the world and the worst part about it is how fast it goes by.

Such is the paradox every mom and dad must come to terms with as soon as their first child is born. The bad parts are plentiful, the good parts are transcendent, and everything is over before you know it. I bitch a lot about pretty much all of it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t also love it. Personally, if I can’t bitch about something, it might as well not even exist. Which makes every rant against the hassle of child-rearing just further evidence of how important it all is to me.

Which means this list of things I hate about parenting is actually kind of a love letter, if that helps you feel better.

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“Family Vacation” is an Oxymoron

22 Aug download (1)

Things are going to be quiet around here for the next week or so, because Dad and Buried is going on vacation!

I’m actually a little reluctant to call it a vacation, since I’m bringing my toddler along. Yes, I’m taking the week off from work, and from my blog (I’ll still be updating my Facebook page every now and then, so be sure to follow me there!), and I’ll be at the beach. But I don’t know how much relaxation will be happening, as it’s not exactly my son’s middle name.

His middle name is actually “GET THE F*** DOWN FROM THERE YOU’RE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF!”

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Moms are Overrated

29 Jul parenting wars, parenting, bob dylan, bloggers, dad bloggers, blogging, dads, moms, children, family, culture, humor, motherhood, fatherhood, kids, culture, parent wars, the notebook

For the third week this month, Mom and Buried is traveling and I’m on my own with my kid.

DON’T PANIC. We’re okay.

Sure, maybe the first time my wife went away I was all: what am I gonna do? But several weeks in and now I’m all: ain’t no thing but a chicken wing on a string. I’m a real-life dad, not a Seth Macfarlane character; I can handle it. Newsflash: it’s parenting, not the Thunderdome, and dads can do it just as well as moms.

I’d even venture to say we do it better.

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Bet On It

21 Jul Rory McIlroy, golf, sports, parenting, open championship, espn, toddlers, aspirations, parenthood, dads, moms, dad bloggers, funny, humor, family, life, lifestyle, expectations, zac efron

Over the weekend, professional golfer Rory McIlroy won the Open Championship. In the process he netted $1.66 million.

His father, meanwhile, scored big himself, having placed a bet in 2005 that his son would win the Open Championship by 2015. Daddy McIlroy collected (approximately) $171,000 merely for having confidence in his son’s golfing ability.

Which got me thinking…

What would I bet on my own son to accomplish within the next 10 years?

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Guy Anxiety

14 Jul parenting, dads, gender, single parents, parenthood, family, lifestyle, moms, dad bloggers, blogger and a father, oren miller, dads don't babysit, funny, humor, spider-man, spidey sense, anxiety, toddlers

If you are one of the nearly 7000 people (dupes!) who follow my Facebook page, you probably got annoyed last week when I asked you for topic suggestions. Sue me; I had some writer’s block.

And I have bigger things to worry about than your happiness. As one of my readers reminded me with her suggested topic: Mums suffer from constant ridiculous anxieties re our kids. Like is he eating enough, has dad put his woolly hat on properly, will he get to college if he doesn’t get into the right nursery… and is he eating enough? How about you share your worst and most ludicrous dad anxieties?

Let me start by saying that a propensity for parenting anxiety can’t be so neatly divided by gender. I am often more paranoid and unnecessarily protective of my son than Mom and Buried is, and I think that just comes down to personality. But you’re right, Anonymous Reader: WOMEN BE CRAZY.

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Holiday Hierarchy

2 Jul

Holiday Rankings33 e1404418275510 Holiday Hierarchy