Here’s the thing, people: when I say I’m a parenting expert, I’m being sarcastic. If you’ve read my blog, you know what I think about the idea that anyone can be an “expert” parent. It’s hogwash. It’s all a gamble.
I should have known that my sarcasm might backfire, especially since it’s been happening my entire life. But here we are, with the seventh installment of my advice series, and this time I got a lot of questions. Serious questions. Difficult questions. And I have no choice but to give them a shot.
Just remember, I’m a clown. A buffoon. I’m no more qualified to tell you how to raise your kids than Britney Spears or Dr. Phil. So remember, while some of my responses will likely contain some good ideas and an occasional bit of insight, apply my advice at your own risk. I WRITE JOKES.
Got it? Good. Now let’s go ruin some lives.
Dear Dad and Buried,
The questions. Over and over. But let me clarify… not necessarily different questions… but the same one! kid: mommy – what is today? me: Friday kid: no, it’s Wednesday me: no, it’s Friday kid: that’s silly me: ok 1.5 minutes later… kid: mommy – what is today? me: Friday kid: no, what is TODAY? me: ok, ok, it’s Wednesday. kid: no! that’s silly! it’s Friday! (repeat about 10 zillion times and at this point… i’ve forgotten what day it really is)
– Kristin
Dear Kristin,
I’m not sure anything can be done. It’s a plague, this curiosity. Why can’t kids just be content with their own ignorance, like Creationists? But really, it’s a good thing, their insatiable need to know. It’s how we end up with great thinkers like Da Vinci and Einstein and Tom Petty. 
I think the deficiency is with us parents. We shouldn’t be begging our kids to stop asking us dumb-ass questions, we should just get better at ignoring their annoying asses. Or at the very least, keeping calm and cool while we volley back with “yes” and “no” and “I don’t know” and “that’s what Google is for.” I find that booze helps me maintain that slightly hazy demeanor necessary to zone out but still occasionally reply. At least until my wife gets home. Then it’s her turn. Otherwise, I’d just lie. I do it all the time. It’s effective AND hilarious.
Also, watch this.
Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,
– Dad and Buried
Dear Dad and Buried,
Is there a special place in hell reserved for me when I let my kids watch Thomas the Tank Engine on the iPad before, during AND after dinner? Or am I allowed any means necessary to make them be quiet and peaceful, so that I can keep some last bit of sanity?
– Karl
Dear Karl,
Yes and yes.
In all seriousness, we often let our kid watch TV during dinner – but mostly when we’re at a restaurant. Because while giving kids too much TV is a sin, annoying the hell out of everyone at the restaurant is far worse. You gotta do what you can to survive out in public. At home the rules are probably a little different – Mom and Buried and I find that TV distracts the kid from doing any eating at all, so we try to keep it off during the actual meal. But if you need a little quiet time, you need a little quiet time. So while I would probably not do it every night, so long as the kid’s not watching the VMAs, it’s not too bad. Every parent is entitled to some down time. Even terrible ones like you!
Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,
– Dad and Buried
Dear Dad and Buried,
How can I make my 10 mo child want to eat real food instead of boob all the time? He’s going to be like the kid on the Time magazine cover but not need a stool.
– Andrea
Dear Andrea,
First of all, stop being so goddamn sexy! Just kidding, that was gross. Besides, you didn’t include a pic so what do I know? Maybe that’s not the problem. Maybe your son has terrible taste.
I’m just stalling. I hesitate to answer this question out of fear that the pro-breast feeding and/or anti-breast feeding cabals will come after me, and also because I have no idea what to do. Maybe put a donut around your breast? My kid loves donuts. Other than that, I’d try rationing your breast milk. Starve him out. Limit the boob and make him hungry enough that he’ll eat anything, even baby gruel. And no, I don’t really mean “starve” the kid. Just almost starve him. I’m not a psychopath!
Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,
– Dad and Buried
Dear Dad and Buried,
My 5 year old has insomnia. A couple weeks ago, she left the house at 4 in the morning and I found her outside in the dark “looking at the stars.” Her pediatrician thinks I should put an alarm on her door and a baby monitor in her room. My husband refuses because we’ll never get any sleep. Any suggestions? (She can unlock all locks and climb over gates.)
– Tamara
Dear Tamara,
YOUR CHILD IS GIVING ME NIGHTMARES.
And frankly, so is your husband. Your kid is scaling walls and sneaking outside in the middle of the night? Get a baby monitor. Losing sleep is part of being a parent, and it’s a tiny price to pay to keep your (clearly possessed) child safe. GET A FUCKING BABY MONITOR. And maybe some stronger coffee for your fragile spouse.
Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,
– Dad and Buried
That’s all for this installment, but thanks to all the questions I got from the many terrible, terrible parents out there, I’ll be back soon with more potentially dangerous and totally irresponsible advice!
So remember, if you’re at the end of your rope and are willing to try anything, you can submit your questions here.
Love the sense of humor – a few laugh out louds. Thanks non-parenting expert.
And there was me thinking you were an bona fide parenting expert. Doh!
Thanks for the link to Louis C.K. It’s a while since I saw it and it made me laugh out loud again. Of course I have now lost the last 30 minutes of my life watching other clips of his on youtube.
I am NOT a parent nor do I ever want to be one. But, I am the sibling of some parents and feel I have some responsibility as to at least 0.023 percent of those children. So, question. What do I do when my lousy, whore sister is a drug user and a deadbeat who trades her food stamps for drug and alcohol money and the leeches off my mother who is living off of SS? My mother is too afraid to “LOSE” her precious grandchild and won’t raise an issue at all about what’s going on. The little bitch gets away with drug use because her drugs of choice are all prescription that she can get in bulk from her dealers when her legit supply is gone. So when she had to take a drug test it all came up legit because she has a paper that says she a legal drug addict. Also, do you think it’s wrong that if I ever do have kids I will never EVER let them meet my mother because she will do nothing but spread her nazi christian propaganda to my children and tell them how wicked and cruel I am that I don’t believe in fairy tales? Biased question, I know. I’m an angry person but I mean well.
As parents we SO want to do right by our kids that we second guess almost all of our decisions. How much TV is ok? What happens when they don’t eat vegetables? Really, I think parents of our generation just deserve a friggin break! Let’s tell each other that more often! Our kids will survive if we don’t torture ourselves with “what if’s”…let’s keep telling each other to cut ourselves some slack. If we ask all these neurotic questions I think it means we care so much about our kids that they will be just fine!