Cultural Differences or Child Abuse?

I wouldn’t expect you to understand. If you’re not from here, it must seem alien to you.

Around these parts we do things differently, and if you’re not born and raised in this culture, you’re probably never going to get it. We eat different foods, we use different slang, we wear different clothes, and yes, we discipline our children differently.

So I can’t condemn Adrian Peterson for what he did. It’s a part of his culture.

child abuse, NFL, adrian peterson, discipline, switch, southern culture, parenting, dads, moms, kids, football, Men in Black, satireFrom the outside it may seem harsh. It may even seem abusive. But it works. Time-outs work for you? Great. Taking away TV? Taking away dessert? A stern talking-to? All fine and dandy where you’re from, so I don’t judge. I’m not a part of your culture, I don’t know what it’s like to be. You were raised differently from me, you have different concerns.

I’m not in your shoes and you’re not in mine.

Where I’m from, there are different temptations for the children. There are many, many ways for them to fall off the straight and narrow, and their margin for success is so slim we can’t afford to let our children stray. Not here.

So yeah, I have some parenting techniques that might seem crazy to you.

The bottom line is, every parent who lives here wipes their kids. It’s how we were raised, it’s how our parents were raised. It’s why I’ve achieved the success I have as an adult. This is a different world than yours. Every time a kid makes a mistake, we hypnotize them using our magical memory sticks and make them forget it ever happened.

Yes, here in the 100% fictional science-fiction world of the movie Men In Black where aliens exist and Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones are friends, there actually are legitimate, wormhole-wide cultural differences between non-humanoids like me, who’s from Alpha Centauri and made entirely out of seaweed, and Homo sapien parents from the non-southern part of the United States, like you, that make your fundamental laws of human decency and physical pain irrelevant, mind-wiping is just a part of our culture that you’ll never understand.child abuse, NFL, adrian peterson, discipline, switch, southern culture, parenting, dads, moms, kids, football, Men in Black, satire

If you want to arrest one of us for wiping our kids, you’re going to have to arrest every parent in this quadrant! And then you’ll be facing an intergalactic war of staggering scale!


Wait a second. You said “whipping”? A four-year-old? With a stick? Until he bleeds?!

That’s not a “cultural” thing. That’s goddamn child abuse! You’re all human beings, you fucking morons, being hit with a stick hurts like hell whether you’re from Alaska or Argentina! I’m a goofy satirical character from outer space and even I know that!

I take it back: I can condemn Adrian Peterson. And I do. With prejudice.

Now I’m beaming back home to wipe my own brain so I can forget I even heard about this!


The deformed husk of Vincent D’Onofrio

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11 thoughts on “Cultural Differences or Child Abuse?

  1. Haha, nice one, Mike! Seems like common sense, unfortunately though, it isn’t for everyone. My dad used to grab a certain number of beers to drive however far he was going. That’s not cool nowadays, but he didn’t love me any less just because he liked to drink and drive back then. It was okay, mostly, back then.

  2. I must have missed something becuase I don’t get the people in the south refernce but I can say I was born and raised in the south. And if any dumb redneck, coonass, swamp hermit or other form of southern stupidity is acting like whooping your child to the point of bleeding is the norm well sir they are full of it…. and the it smells offly rank.

    Sure I’ve had a good Sunday belt taken to my rump (those hurt worse because they are thin leather…better swing) and I’ve been chased down a 3 1/2 acre driveaway with the choicest of plum switches for dropping the GD word in front of my mother.

    BUT NEVER ….NOT EVEN ONCE did my parent’s leave a bruise, welt or cut on me. Never did they hit me so many times they lost count and NEVER did they whoop me when angry.

    So again not sure what southern person is saying Andrian Peterson is in the right but this good ole’ coonass girl wouldn’t mind having a word with them on what the cultural norm is down here.

    1. I am another Southern girl & I agree with you, never happened in my family. Switches & spanking, when I did something really bad, but no blood or bruising!

  3. It does seem almost other worldly that this type of behavior is acceptable somewhere. I know some people are more physical in their disciplining but there has to be limits.

  4. Right on. At first I thought he just gave his kid a pat on the ass, but those pictures were horrific. I can’t think of anything a 4-year-old would have realistically done that could have warranted that. He hit him 14 times with that stick; just unreal.

  5. This was great use of satire to make a solid point. Yes, people can argue all day if physical discipline is either effective, good or whatever. However, for those that agree to use it, there must be restraint. I’ve been physically disciplined, but never bruised or cut. It seems like that would be a common sense line to draw, but most things need to be stated in this day and age.

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