Has it really been six months since I last bestowed my parenting wisdom on you people? Shameful.

For some reason, you haven’t been asking me many questions. Maybe I’ve answered them all in my regular posts (possible). Maybe you’re all better parents than me (probable). Maybe you just know better than to turn to me for advice (I hope so). But I have the itch, and I did get a few queries in my latest call on Facebook (Follow me!), so I’m back with more advice!

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Dear Dad and Buried,

How does a parent get their child to try something (like an activity) and convince them ‘it’s ok to suck at it?’

– Andrea

Dear Andrea –

Tell him about your first few times having sex? ZING!

Hilarious jokes about teenage sexuality aside, I think you need to make the activity fun for them, regardless of success or failure. Young kids should be taught that it’s not always about the result; it’s about the process. Maybe break the activity down into components so that the kid can experience a win every now and then, even if he can’t hack the whole thing?

Explaining that failure can be valuable is probably a little much for a little kid, but you can try to make failure seem less negative. I took my son skiing for the first time a few weeks ago, and my entire goal was to make sure he didn’t get overwhelmed and turned off. I want him to try again, and to do that, he needs to want to try again. So every small victory was celebrated – standing up, not falling down, falling down without breaking his legs, etc. – so that he’s encouraged enough to give it another go in a few weeks. I’m not big on the “everyone’s a winner!” school of thought, but neither does everything have to be blood sport, not for kids under ten years old!

I’d suggest watching the movie Whiplash and doing THE EXACT OPPOSITE. Then, when your kid is older, watch Whiplash again and go HAM on that underachieving jelly-butt!

Take this under advisement, jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

Dear Dad and Buried,

Why did my 3 year INSIST that I buy Ninja Turtle underwear, but now cries and runs away when I try to put them on him?!

– Katie

Katie,

Three options:

1) He’s insane (i.e., he’s a three-year-old).
2) He’s fucking with you.
3) He doesn’t actually know what the Ninja Turtles are and has no idea why you keep assaulting him with hideous green pajamas featuring violent, weapon-wielding sea creatures.

But he’s probably fucking with you.

Take this under advisement, jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

Dear Dad and Buried,

How do you compromise on the number of children to have if one spouse thinks three is good and the other wants one more?

– Amanda

Dear Amanda –

Quick answer: get a dog.

Longer answer: talk it through.

It really all depends on how strongly you feel. I don’t know which side you fall on – if you want another or your spouse does – but either way, you should have some real conversations about it. Come up with a list, explore the pros (more snuggles!) and cons (more EVERYTHING ELSE), get the other person drunk and make it happen (it = sex or a quick vasectomy). Maybe one of you will convince the other one. But make sure you truly are convinced, lest you end up resenting each other, or, god forbid, resenting Amanda the Fourth.

It’s hard to believe not having a fourth child will leave one of you bereft, but at the same time, adding a fourth when you already have most of a starting rotation probably won’t ruin your life (says the guy with just one!). So talk to each other. This is basic, weak sister advice, I know, but it’s simply not a black and white decision that can be made alone. Or by a stranger on the internet who actively hates his child.

Just remember, if at the end of the conversation you both remain steadfast, you do hold the ultimate trump card: the vagina. Wield it with caution.

Take this under advisement, jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

Dear Dad and Buried,

I have a 6-year-old who usually does a great job wiping but when she comes home from school it never fails that she has at least one skid mark! What can we do as parents of a kid with recurring skid marks? Lol but seriously does anyone else have this problem?

– Alejandra

Dear Alejandra,

I’M TRYING TO EAT.

Take this under advisement, jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

That’ll do it for this round.

Thanks for playing, and please don’t sue me!

Check out previous entries and submit your questions here. And follow me on Facebook and Twitter for on-the-fly, real-time parenting expertise! And on Instagram for photos of the aftermath (and me wearing a toy fire helmet).