My wife’s friends are throwing her a sprinkle, which is both the name of a smaller, not-your-first-kid baby shower and a word I will spend the rest of my life trying to avoid saying.

As one does when generous friends plan to ease the stress and expense of preparing for a major life-changing event, my wife has started a registry. I have not seen this registry, and I may never see it. I may even be fabricating the fact that she even started one. I haven’t been paying attention.

Regardless, I decided to write a baby item wish list of things I think we need for baby #2, some of which are obvious, some of which are outlandish, and a few of which don’t actually exist.

Baby Item Wish List

• Diapers, diapers, diapers! – Self-explanatory.
• A New Stroller – We still have our last stroller, but it’s five-plus years old and according to pediatricians and people who’ve seen pictures of it on Facebook, if I put my son in it he will spontaneously combust. And nobody is more up on how you’re endangering your children than random commenters on Facebook. So now we need a new stroller to hoist the jelly-limbed fleshblob my second child will be for at least the first six and maybe the ensuing two-hundred-and-sixty-one or so months of his life. One that can handle the hazardous sidewalks and subways of Brooklyn. I think my wife wants something called an UppaBaby G-Luxe, which can’t be right, because in my experience babies are much more of a downa.
• Scented candles, candles, candles! – Because of all the diapers, diapers, diapers!
• Gruel or porridge or whatever – Some people call this chunky liquid “baby food.” I should probably call it “the reason my dry-cleaning bill is going to be so high.”
• These Five Things – They worked for us last time.
• Baby gates – We have stairs in our new apartment. And babies are SO STUPID.
• Assorted baby-proofing gear – Hopefully for someone else to install on every stupid cabinet and drawer and table-corner. And to reinstall, after I forget they’re on there and in confused frustration with a seemingly stuck cabinet door, I yank it off its hinges.
• Noise-canceling Headphones – Self-explanatory.
• A ton of clothes with vehicles and animals on them that he’ll immediately outgrow – Because having kids is nothing if not cheap and convenient!
• One of those mats with hanging baubles that babies lay on and stare up at – There are so many names of things I don’t know.
• A Bumbo – And so many I do.
• All the booze in the entire world – Self-explanatory.
• Stuffed Animals – I love stuffed animals. They’re pretty much the number one reason to have kids. Because as a grown, non-Brony, man, having a new baby is basically the only time purchasing stuffed animals is even borderline acceptable.
• A Lovey – Make that twelve identical loveys. I’ve learned my lesson.
• A Time Machine – Not to go back and change my life; I like my life! Just to be able to occasionally go back to when it was still actually mine!
• A Baby Carrier – One of those strap-on BAD CHOICE OF WORDS things that allows you to wear your kid. I liked the Ergo last time but I imagine the technology has improved. If someone could get us one that has hydraulics, it would do wonders for my neck and back.
• A Muzzle – You know why.
• Chloroform – You know why.
• Benadryl – You know why.
• Valium – (This one is for me.)
• Peace and Quiet – If I hear even the HINT of a chuckle at that I will come to your house and poke holes in your condoms.
• All the Coffee in the Entire World – Self-explanatory.
• A Tiffany Baby Rattle – When Detective Munch was on his way, Mom and Buried was desperate for one of these. Amazing husband that I am, I found one on eBay and it’s been sitting in a drawer for five years. She could probably use a new one, for some unknown reason that I won’t question because I love my wife very much and it probably wasn’t a very good idea for me to include this here.
• A Video Monitor – On second thought, scratch that.
• A NON-Video Monitor – See above.
• The World’s Cheapest, Most Qualified and Always Available Nanny – Does anyone know her?
• Plane tickets – Once the nanny is fully ensconced, it’s SAYONARA, baby! For at least a month. Daddy needs a daiquiri.
• The World’s Greatest Sound Machine – One that not only helps the baby sleep, but also drowns out his cries. Maybe even converts his crying into pleasing sounds, like, of beer being poured, or of my wife getting up to deal with the kid. Just no fucking whales, please. NOBODY LIKES THE WHALES.
• A Vasectomy – I strongly suspect it will hurt. I am absolutely certain it’s worth it.