Kids say the darndest things. They also say the ballsiest things. Things only kids can say.
If I went around talking to my wife, my boss, my friends, anyone the way that my son often talks to his mother, to me, to his friends, strangers on the subway? I’d be divorced, fired, and drinking totally alone. Which might not be that bad, now that I think about it…
Children get away with a lot of stuff, especially in the early years.
For example…
My son is five, and he’s still a bit of a loose cannon. Some of the things he says are rude, some are crude, some are utterly inappropriate, and, more than you’d like to admit, some is pretty damn hilarious. But he’s also at the point where he has enough awareness to know that some of the stuff he’s saying is stuff he shouldn’t be saying. He says it anyway.
Sure, part of it is childhood innocence and inexperience, and part of it is typical boundary testing, but the rest is a giant heap of IDGAF! The kind of IDGAF that would make Donald Trump do a double-take.
Here are a few of the things my son has been known to say that only kids can get away with saying:
“This is disgusting! I want something else for dinner.”
If I said this to my wife, after she’d spent the last hour-plus putting a well-rounded meal together for her family at the end of a long day, I’d be wearing that meal, before spending the night on the couch, at my friend’s house, awaiting the subpoena.
“BE QUIET I CAN’T HEAR RESCUE BOTS!”
If I said this to any grown adult, they’d have a series of reactions: First, they’d wonder what the hell “Rescue Bots” is. Second, they’d wonder why a 40-year-old man is watching a children’s cartoon. Third, they’d wonder why I even invited them over to my house if I was going to watch a children’s cartoon the entire time they were there. And fourth, they’d pop me in the jaw for being such a rude jerk, before leaving with the six-pack and/or bottle of wine they’d brought over. When my five-year-old says it, we simply quiet down.
“My penis is wet!”
I’m not sure this requires a response from me. At least, I sure as hell hope not. But when an adult says it, everybody backs away. Take my word for it?
*unintelligible screaming*
If any of us threw tantrums like our children, we’d be in padded rooms by now. Come to think of it, some days, I kind of wish I were. Maybe I could get some sleep!
“Can someone wipe my butt?”
And you thought being a parent was glamorous.
“That’s mine! You can’t have it!”
Pretty sure we’re all guilty of screaming this in our heads once in a while. I know I do every time my wife swipes one of my IPAs. But as with so many other parts of adulthood, it’s something we have to stop ourselves from saying, lest people think that we only recently transformed into Tom Hanks after making a wish at a carnival. Kids, of course, are allowed to be petulant and spoiled, at least for a little while. There are a few adults who can get away with this, but I hate to keep mentioning Donald Trump.
“I don’t like you.”
Another one that we all probably think. Maybe even about our own spouses, certainly about our bosses, frequently about coworkers, and always about the guy on the subway who manspreads to take up two seats. But to actually say it? Right to someone’s face? That’s cold-blooded. Kids have no fear. My son tells me “I don’t like you” on a regular basis – pretty much any time I tell him “no” or “maybe” or “in a few minutes” — and the worst part is: he doesn’t even say it to be mean! He just says it matter-of-factly, because that just happens to be the way it is. He doesn’t like me and there’s nothing I can do about it.
But the joke’s on him, because there is something I can do about it. I can get really, really drunk.
Beer doesn’t talk back.
This post originally appeared on Scary Mommy.
